Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: There's only 39 shoes here. There's one missing.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, is that important right now?
Adrian Monk: It looks like a dark-brown Ramato loafer. It's about a size 10 1/2 or 11, I guess.
Natalie: Okay. Okay.
Adrian Monk: That's a 10 1/2.
Natalie: Okay.

Natalie: So, Mr. Monk, Jeanette was found here.
Adrian Monk: Okay. So she turned it like this? And then forgot it was on? No. [groans]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay? That's gas.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm- I'm fine. It's just a little- A little gas. According to the police report, the flue was- was- was closed?
Linda Riggs: Right.
Adrian Monk: Right. It's closed. Look at this. It's just dried out-- Dried- Dried leaves. Fire would have burned them or charred them. No, no. This thing hasn't been used in months, if ever.
Linda Riggs: That's what I was saying. It couldn't have been an accident.

Adrian Monk: You have the inventory there?
Natalie: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Were there any matches or cigarette lighters in the room?
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: No matches anywhere. That makes no sense. She died on the 15th?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, that's right. Two days before her tenth wedding anniversary. They always did something special. Go on a big trip. Last year they went to Cabo.
Adrian Monk: Not this year. Look, July 17th, "Tenth anniversary". Natalie, nothing's written. Nothing planned. Nothing erased.
Natalie: He knew she wouldn't be around.
Adrian Monk: Linda, I think you're right. I think he killed her.

Natalie: You have to be very careful. He's very quick.
Adrian Monk: I'm quick.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk. You're not quick. You have to focus. He'll try to make fun of you.
Adrian Monk: Why would he make fun of me? He doesn't even know me.

JJ the Joke Machine: Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't have to answer that.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'll be happy to- I'll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Max Hudson: I bet she does. She's drivin' me, baby.
Little Willie Karelli: Who's drivin' Natalie? I wanna change your tires.

Max Hudson: All rightee, then. So, just for the record, you're here because of my sister-in-law.
Little Willie Karelli: "Loony Linda."
Max Hudson: That's right. Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn't that charming? So what do you think, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Are we on the air?
Max Hudson: Yeah, we're on the air, buddy. It's okay. I have no secrets from my fans.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I think you do.

Man: [burps]
Lieutenant Disher: See that guy over there? He's on the show all the time. They call him "The Burpinator."
Natalie: Really? The Burpinator is here? Is he single? Do you think you could introduce me?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure... Come on.
Natalie: I was kidding. You knew that, right? I was kidding?

Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Lieutenant Disher: We're big fans. Not- Not "big" height. Just, I love the show.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We are looking into the death of Jeanette Hudson.
Little Willie Karelli: Why? There was an inquest. It was an accident. Don't you guys talk to each other?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're probably right. There's just a few loose ends that, uh, we want look into. Where were you the night she died?
[Disher walks behind Little Willie and holds his hands out to measure the size of his head]
Little Willie Karelli: Where was I? I was on the air.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. I mean before that, the, uh, the night before. I know Max was in Los Angeles. But you didn't go with him.
Little Willie Karelli: That's true. I was with my wife and kid. I got nothing more to say to you guys. You want to talk, talk to my lawyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm not done talkin' to you yet. Just-
[Disher finally gets a read on Willie's head size]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
Lieutenant Disher: Thank you, man. I'm a big fan. I just- Nice to meet you. Tape measure.

Natalie: You're moving your hands.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm not.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know what the hell this is, but it isn't police work.
Natalie: "10 1/2 inches."
Lieutenant Disher: What? He's not the guy.
Natalie: And we're all going to Hell.

Max Hudson: Oh, well, well, well. The Defective Detective. [Monk hands him a copy of his book] You're not gonna like it.
Adrian Monk: I know. I read a couple of pages. It's nothing but toilet talk and opposite jokes, right?
Max Hudson: Uh-huh. So how would you like me to sign it?
Adrian Monk: How about "I confess"?
Max Hudson: I'll be taking a little break. Come with me.