Marci Maven: Hello! Right on time, of course.
Natalie: It's okay. I'm right here.
Marci Maven: Come in, come in, come in.
Adrian Monk: No.
Marci Maven: [to Natalie] You can pick him up at 6:00.
Adrian Monk: No, no. She's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Well, Adrian, I... I bid on you. I mean, I don't think we need a chaperone. It'll be great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Okay, fine good. The more the merrier I just I hope I made enough cookies.

Marci Maven: You know what I love? I love how you solve cases. The way you move around and you look at things. And you see things no one else sees. I love that. I mean, you really are a great artist.
Adrian Monk: Well, a great artist... I don't know about that. I mean...
Natalie: [scoffs]
Marci Maven: Is there a problem?
Natalie: No, no, no. He's a great artist.

Adrian Monk: Marci, are you a musician?
Marci Maven: Oh, ho, ho. You know I am! I've only sent you all my demos. I'm working on a song. Here. [sings] There's a man in California If you're ever in a funk He may not be F. Murray Abraham But I think he's a hunk And his name is... Adrian Adrian I said A... Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Marci, on second thought, why don't you tell me about the case?

Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Can we start over? You had a dog. His name was Otto.
Marci Maven: Yep, that's right.
Adrian Monk: And Otto died last week?
Marci Maven: Monday, yeah. Well, I buried him Monday night.
Adrian Monk: So he's in the ground, dead. Dead, dead dog.
Marci Maven: And then three days later, on Thursday, the woman across the street was attacked?
Natalie: By- By a dog.
Marci Maven: Yeah, she was mauled. Isn't that the grossest word? "Mauled." "Mauled." I mean, Otto had snapped at her last year, but it wasn't a big deal. But of course, the cops naturally think that he did it. So they dug him up to compare the teeth marks.
Adrian Monk: And they matched.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Well, that's what they say. They're gonna return him tomorrow. I guess I'm gonna have to bury him again.

Adrian Monk: So to recap, the dog dies on Monday, then three days later, kills your neighbor.
Marci Maven: Pretty freaky, huh?
Natalie: And the dog was definitely dead when you buried him.
Marci Maven: Yeah, the dog was definitely dead when I buried him. What do you think, I'm a nut?
Natalie: Uh...

Linda Fusco: [bites into a cherry tomato] What is it? Leland, this is not very romantic. What are you looking at?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bite marks.
Linda Fusco: Oh, I'm afraid to ask.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [grabs file] Look at the bite marks. That woman was attacked by a dog. Look at the bite marks.
Linda Fusco: No, thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're all upside down. Even the defensive ones. Um, I gotta make a phone call.

Marci Maven: What is this? Is this blood?
Adrian Monk: Ssh. You've been shot.
Marci Maven: Oh, my God! I've been shot!
Adrian Monk: Ssh. It's okay. It's just a scratch.
Marci Maven: What am I doing here?
Adrian Monk: Shut up.
Marci Maven: This isn't fun anymore. Why did you bring me here?
Adrian Monk: I didn't bring you here!
Marci Maven: I don't wanna do this. I hate this. [waves white monogramed wipe] Excuse me pause. Pause, please. If we could just put a pause on this for a second. Uh, I wanna go home. And I know... But I am absolutely not gonna say anything about you killing your wife. It's no biggie. I mean, she was asking for it. I've seen her out there. I'm your neighbor. I've seen her in the garden with her flower pot going blah, blah, blah. My gardenias are awesome. So I'm just gonna go.
John Ringel: Yeah, I don't think so!
John Ringel: Monk! Come on out! I have your girlfriend!
Marci Maven: I'm not his girlfriend. I don't even like him anymore.

Marci Maven: Well, if you ever need an assistant...
Adrian Monk: Well, I have Natalie.
Marci Maven: Maybe it's time for a change.
Adrian Monk: Well, Natalie and I have been together for three and a half years. So I don't thi-
Marci Maven: I'll work for free.
Adrian Monk: [stops walking] [to Natalie] What?
Natalie: You're considering it?
Marci Maven: Well, you know free.
Natalie: So?
Adrian Monk: You wanna make a counter offer?
Natalie: Yeah, here's my counter offer. I'm not nuts!

Adrian Monk: Bachelor Auction? What?
Natalie: Yeah, people bid for you. It's fun. It's for charity.
Adrian Monk: Now this side's crooked.
Natalie: When you're up for reinstatement, it'll look good on your record. Plus, it's for a good cause. Police widows.
Adrian Monk: It's always the widows. Why can't they just move on, you know?
Natalie: Everybody's doing it. The captain's doing it. Don't you wanna be a team player?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: Sure.

Cameron Meyer: Hi, I'm Cameron Meyer.
Lieutenant Disher: Randy Disher. Well, Ms. Meyer. I guess you're the boss. What'd you have in mind?
Cameron Meyer: This is Sam. He wants to be a policeman. I thought I could just drop him off and he could follow you around.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure. That'd be, uh... That'd be great. This is gonna be a lotta fun, huh?