Auctioneer: Next on our program is Mr. Adrian Monk. Mr. Monk is a former homicide detective now working as a private consultant. He has worked on many famous cases. Let's start the bidding at $200. Do I hear $200? [silence] Ladies, this is a world-class detective. Uh, maybe you have a husband or a boyfriend who needs following. [Monk tries to walk off stage] Maybe you can't find your car keys.

Marci Maven: $600!
Auctioneer: We have $600.
Natalie: $600 and, uh... Hold on, hold on! Uh $34.17.
Marci Maven: $800.
Auctioneer: $800! Do I hear $850? $800 going once...
Adrian Monk: $5,000!
Auctioneer: Mr. Monk, you cannot bid on yourself.
Auctioneer: $800 going twice...
Adrian Monk: Wait, stop! No. No, no, no. Okay. Somebody? I'll do anything. I'll do anything. Look. [unbuttons collar slightly] Beefcake. Beefcake. Please. There was a restraining order.
Marci Maven: Sold to the very determined, very mysterious girl in the green.

Marci Maven: That's why I went to the auction. Because I really am in trouble. I need your help, you know? So do you wanna talk about the case now or should we just relax for a little while?
Adrian Monk: What are the choices again?
Natalie: Relax or talk about the case.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, relax! Let's just relax. Plenty of time. Five hours and 52 minutes.

Natalie: What do you think, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: I stopped thinking an hour and a half ago. What do you think?

Lieutenant Disher: That's the men's room. And... Hey. This is my desk. Lieutenant Disher. Oh, check these out. Real handcuffs. Wanna try 'em on? So, Sam, how long have you wanted to be a policeman?
Sam: I don't wanna be a cop.
Lieutenant Disher: But your mom said you did.
Sam: Maybe when I was nine.
Lieutenant Disher: How old are you now?
Sam: Nine and a half. Who'd want to be a cop? You don't make any money and everybody hates you.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Okay, so, what do you wanna do? We got some game and stuff, I think, for when kids visit. How about that? Let's see. No. Ah, yeah, here we go. How about this? We got crayons. Coloring book. I did that one.
Sam: I used to love this game.
Lieutenant Disher: Hm. Timber. Set it up.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] I'm looking at the forensic report right now, Monk. Your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's- She's not my girlfriend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, the bite marks all match 100%. It's as good as a fingerprint.
Adrian Monk: She says the dog was already dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Debbie Ringel was attacked by a dog. And it wasn't a ghost dog. Here is a more likely scenario. The dog kills the neighbor, Marci panics. She has her own dog put down and claims that he died a couple of days earlier.
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I- I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Animal control warned her about Cujo at least twice, which means she's responsible. She could be indicted for manslaughter. What she needs is a good lawyer and you need to get the hell out of there. Okay? Bye-bye.

Adrian Monk: Well, she was attacked right here. You can still see the blood. But she must've tried to fight back.
Natalie: Right?
Adrian Monk: Look at all these tools. Why why didn't she grab one of these tools?
Marci Maven: Oh!
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Marci Maven: Clue hug! [hugs Monk]
Adrian Monk: No! Natalie!
Natalie: Marci!
Marci Maven: Ooh, right. Yes, go! Keep going you're amazing. You're amazing. Do your thing.
Natalie: What is that?
Adrian Monk: It's a flower petal. Tulip? There's no tulips in this yard. [Marci gets excited] That's not a clue. That's just something I notice. This is what we call an observation.
Marci Maven: Okay, right.

John Ringel: Can I help you? Oh, it's you! Why can't you just leave me alone?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Ringel, I'm very sorry for your loss. I wonder if I could ask you a couple of questions. Did you actually see Marci's dog on that day?
John Ringel: We know it was her dog. He crawled in under the fence. You can still see the hole. I talked to the cops. All the teeth marks match. And who the hell are you?
Marci Maven: This is Adrian Monk, okay? And he happens to be a genius.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Marci, don't. Don't.
Marci Maven: If you have anything to hide and I have a hunch that you do he's gonna find it he's already found, like, a million clues tell him.
Natalie: Okay, Marci, let's just leave this man alone.
Marci Maven: You did it! You killed her. You are in big trouble, mister. Big trouble because Adrian Monk always gets his man, friend.

Adrian Monk: Sorry about her. Sorry about everything. Sorry for your loss. So sorry. I- I did manage to get your tools all straightened out. This hose is kind of a mess, though you might wanna... It's okay.

Adrian Monk: Natalie!
Natalie: [to Marci] He said Natalie!
Adrian Monk: According to the police, Otto dug this hole, attacked Mrs. Ringel, then got out the same way.
Natalie: So?
Adrian Monk: Well, where's the dirt? It's all on the other side. But that's the wrong side. When a dog digs a hole, he pushes the dirt behind him. And look, dead...
Natalie: Tulip.
Adrian Monk: It's possible. There's a chance she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong. [Marci gets excited] Clue hug?
Natalie: Take it like a man.