Marci Maven: "Dear fellow Monk-ophiles, as you can see, I have decided to redesign the homepage again! As the greatest detective in the universe would say; you'll thank me later. Love to all, Marci."

Natalie: All right. How about this? You give me $600. When somebody bids on you, I'll bid against them. I'll outbid them.
Adrian Monk: You'll outbid them? That's a good plan. That's a great plan. How do I get my money back?
Natalie: No, you don't. It goes to charity.
Adrian Monk: Let's keep thinking.

Marci Maven: Oh, I painted this for you two years ago for your birthday, but Judge Franklin wouldn't let me give it to you because of the restraining order. You know, fifty yards away and no contact. Jerk. Oh, please, make yourselves at home. Sit down. I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm nervous, you know? I've just been imagining this for so long, you know? You, Adrian Monk. You're really here. [chuckles] Oh! So rude. Here we go. Summit Creek Water. It's his favorite.
Natalie: I know.
Marci Maven: Well, do you know what his favorite drink was last year? I do! Sierra Springs. Hmm. Ten ice cubes, of course. And some cookies, fresh from the oven.
Adrian Monk: They're square.
Marci Maven: [laughs] I knew you would appreciate that. Yeah, I've been baking all day and cleaning! I wanted everything to be perfect.

Adrian Monk: Marci, is this my glass?
Marci Maven: Not anymore. You threw it out, remember? And yes, this is your rug. And yes, that's your lamp. And yes, these are your pants. Don't worry. Not crazy, just a fan. You are amazing. But you know that, don't you?
Natalie: His pants?

Adrian Monk: Uh, I need a wipe, Natalie.
Marci Maven: Ooh, ooh, hold on! Right here. Here. Oh, no! Use mine. They're monogrammed. They're better. I- I did it myself.
Natalie: They're sanitary wipes. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
Marci Maven: Adrian, she's ruing everything. I mean, who is she?
Natalie: I'm his assistant, okay? I been with him for three years.
Marci Maven: Well, I've known him even longer, okay?
Natalie: Here's a little news flash, Marci. Stalking someone and knowing someone two different things!

Adrian Monk: Shh. Here's what happened. John Ringel realized he could murder his wife and blame it on your dog. Nobody would ever question it. Everybody knew Otto was a little wild. [Marci squeals] Marci, what are you doing? There's no hugging during the "Here's what happened."
Marci Maven: Sorry, go on.
Adrian Monk: Just stand over there. That day Otto disappeared Ringel must've brought him here, drugged him, and made an impression of his teeth.
Marci Maven: Oh, poor Otto!
Adrian Monk: Then Ringel built a lethal weapon using the mold of Otto's teeth. It couldn't have been too hard. After all, he owns a lumber yard. He had all the equipment he needed. Then he waited. He was in no rush. One week, two weeks, until finally, she was alone. He knew the bite marks would match up perfectly. The cops everyone would assume it was your dog. It was a perfect crime, except for one thing. He had waited too long. He didn't know that Otto had died three days earlier. He was framing a dead dog!
Marci Maven: Wow. That is incredible!
Adrian Monk: Where did he go?
Marci Maven: Do it one more time for the website.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?! I'm not gonna say it again.
Marci Maven: You don't have to do the whole thing. Just say how you know how he killed his wife.
Adrian Monk: Marci, would you keep your voice down? He's gonna hear us.
John Ringel: Too late. I already heard you. Shut up and don't move.

Adrian Monk: I'd already thrown this stuff out. [picks up troll doll] Oh, hey. Look. It's you.
Natalie: [holding Marci doll] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you. Aren't you amazing? I love everything you say and do."
Adrian Monk: All right. It wasn't like that.
Natalie: [holding Monk doll] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. You'd like to be my new assistant? You could follow me around and worship me all day."
Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you?
Natalie: [holding Marci doll] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug. Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Stop it.
Natalie: "Oh, I love you. I'm your biggest fan. I just want a little clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Natalie, cut it out. I know it's you.
Natalie: "Clue hug, clue hug."

Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's it's from Marci. "Adrian, I'm sorry. I can't have your things in my house anymore. How would I ever explain them to Fff- Murray Abraham?"
Natalie: F. Murray Abraham. The actor.
Adrian Monk: May God have mercy on his soul.

First Cop: Are you Marci Maven? Do you own a dog named Otto?
John Ringel: You're damn right she does. That beast of yours killed my wife! I warned you about him!
First Cop: Mr. Ringel, please. We'll take care of this.
Marci Maven: What's going on?
Second Cop: There was an attack earlier today across the street.
Marci Maven: Oh, today? No, that wasn't Otto.
Second Cop: We're gonna have to take him in, ma'am. Where's the dog?
[Marci leads John Ringel and the two officers to her backyard]
Marci Maven: Yeah, I really don't think it was him.
[The camera pans down to a headstone for Otto in the freshly-dug ground]

Natalie: Oh, hey, Marci.
Marci Maven: Oh, Natalie, hello. I need to speak with Adrian.
Natalie: Sorry. You just missed him he's, um... He's getting his hair cut.
Marci Maven: I know he's here. Okay, he left at 8:00. He came back 35 minutes later. And besides, he only gets his hair cut every first and third Tuesday of every month. He's behind the door. I can smell his shampoo. Pantene for dry hair. Listen, I really need to speak with him. It's important I'm in trouble!
Natalie: Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci. You said it was a matter of life or death. And when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Christi.
Marci Maven: It was Thanksgiving!
Natalie: What does that have to do with anything?