Manny: You're better!
Cameron: Oh! Barely. Barely, yeah. I was just getting something cold for my back.
Luke: Gravy?
Cameron: Well, if it can save your mom's turkey, it can save anything.

Jay: [aside to camera] So I'm trying to find a way to come clean about the hole-in-one, when it occurs to me Why? One idiot lies about his sex life, the other dumbbell has a Ferrari "in the shop" for years, and moron number three is a Hollywood stunt car driver who gets sick when he rides backwards in the golf cart.

Mitchell: I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but my dad never lied to you guys.
Jay: Mitchell.
Mitchell: No, he didn't even know until today that he never made the hole-in-one.
Jay: Okay.
Mitchell: But the fact that he couldn't live with himself when he found out, and he raced down here to confess to you, that just shows the kind of man he is. He is a hole-in-one kind of man.
Stan: You never got a hole-in-one?
Jay: I didn't tell them.
Mitchell: So this is the gang. Introduce me.

Manny: It's not like me and Miranda are perfectly suited. For one thing, she likes bad boys. That's just not me.
Luke: I'm gonna turn on some music.
Manny: I'm sorry. I can't unlearn how to treat a lady. But where does that leave me? Waiting till I'm 40 when she looks me up on Facebook after a failed first marriage?
Luke: Okay. [starts engine]
Manny: What are you doing?
Luke: I'm sick of hearing you whine about Miranda! It's time to make her notice you!
Manny: But we can't!
Luke: We got a full tank of gas, and she's right down the block. Now buckle up!
Manny: Are you crazy?
Luke: You tell me.

Phil: So, Haley... The thing is...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Fact. Haley's almost 18. Fact. I am the cool dad. Haley, I understand that sex is a part of life. I can't say that I'm thrilled to hear this, but I'm sure you're being safe, and I hope that you'll feel free to talk to me about this anytime.
[back:]
Phil: We should We should probably get Beatrice, like, a-a cast or something, and we can all sign it. Yeah?
Haley: Uh, yeah. Sure.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Fact. I blew it.

Gloria: I don't understand you. Why you don't want to spend time with me? Everybody wants to spend time with me! Even the lady that did my nails wants to take me to pilates.

Claire: I didn't come back here to do yoga. I don't do yoga. It's a cover, okay? Look I know that from the outside, it seems like I have everything together.
Gloria: No, not really.
Claire: My point is that my life can be very stressful. And I have found a way to cope with that stress. And it's my little secret. And I'm not proud of it.
Man: Hey, Claire. See you inside.
Claire: Hey!
Gloria: Is that what you do?
Claire: No. No! Okay. You're coming with me. Come in. But listen to me. Gloria It has to stay between us. This is my sacred space.
[Inside the firing range:]
Claire: [shot, shot, shot] It's just such a great release. Thank you for not judging me.
Gloria: Why would I? If anything, it makes me like you more.

Gloria: So how often do you come here?
Claire: Not that often. [Man taps on the glass and waves at Claire] No. Hey. Maybe a little often.
Gloria: That's so sad.
Claire: I live with four teenagers. You live with two adults. You have no idea-
Gloria: No, no, no. It's so sad that you come here so often and that's the best that you can shoot. [shot] And that's with pretty nails.
Claire: But improper stance.

Mitchell: I had completely forgotten about that. You know, you're- You're unbelievable. Just when I peg you as some-
Jay: Storm Stevens! That's it! Give me something. I'm gonna write it right here. Before I forget. "Storm Stevens."
Mitchell: Stevens.
Jay: What were we just talking about? Just now? No?
Mitchell: Mnh-mnh.

Alex: Hey, dad? I know I'm way too old for this, but do you think I could get this doll? Her name's Genevieve, and she's developing a vaccine for-
Phil: Yes, you can get the doll. You can get as many dolls as you want.
Alex: It's $200.
Phil: Or one is fine.