Jay: What do you mean, you- you kicked the ball in the hole? What, was it, like, on the edge?
Mitchell: Yeah, it was on the edge of that, uh- What, that- That sandy thing.
Jay: Gee, it's sure gonna be fun to face my friends today.
Mitchell: Well, you don't have to tell them.
Jay: They call me "ace," Mitch. I haven't paid for a lemonade down there in 20 years.

Mitchell: You're mad at me?
Lily: Great, daddy. You ruined brunch. [all laugh]
Cameron: You did!
Manny: This ends today.

Luke: A little help here?
Manny: You can't expect me to focus when Miranda Cornell lives right down your street. She's like a dream wrapped in a wish poured into jeggings.

Manny: Are you sure this is going to work?
Luke: Trust me. We'll use these cookies as bait. Lily's crazy for them.
Manny: Asian metabolism.
Luke: When she grabs them with her grubby little hands, off goes the trap. Boom! Big puddle of milk. She'll get in so much trouble. My mom hates messes.
Manny: I'm familiar with Claire.
Luke: Lock and loaded. Mmm! These cookies are so good and so easy to reach. Lily!

Alex: I never really got dolls. Does that make me weird?
Haley: It's on the list.
Phil: You're not weird. You just kind of skipped the little girl stage.
Haley: And jumped to the "I dare you to ring her doorbell" stage.
Alex: The only stage you're ever going to jump on has a pole on it.

Claire: Okay, so after you have turned on the monitor and selected your input, you can change the channel with this guy. But if you need to change the volume-
Cameron: You know what? I think I'm fine. Why don't you just go ahead?
Claire: I know this sounds really confusing, but there's actually a very simple way to remember it. [singing] Input 1 is the cable box. Cable box, ca-
Cameron: I think I'm just gonna take a nap.

Gloria: Do you see how she gives me the cold shoulders? I don't even know why I try.

Mitchell: Oh, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I mean, it was such a great day. After he thought he got that hole-in-one, he took us out to dinner. He bought me my first beer.
Cameron: Well, there you go. He's probably hurt because you marred a very special father-son experience.
Mitchell: You think?
Cameron: Ya marred it. But you can fix it. He's down at the club right now. Go, Mitchell! Un-mar that memory!

Alex: Stop panicking. We don't even know for sure he heard what I said.
Phil: Okay. Beatrice is with the nurse. They'll call us. Shouldn't be too long. We can just wait until she's married. Until she's ready. Which, apparently, everyone is these days. Funny, I used to think it'd be years until everyone was ready, but I guess I was wrong. Wrong and naive.

Gloria: Surprise!
Claire: Oh! Gloria. My God.
Gloria: I came to do yoga with you.
Claire: I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Gloria: Yeah, that's why I say "surprise!"