Campbell: Molly, I think we just found our daddy.
Cameron: Oh, my God. Okay.
Mitchell: Okay, so, which one of us do you want?
Molly: I don't know. We haven't even had a chance to think about it.
Cameron: Well, would it be helpful if we, you know, walked around so you could take us in from shoulder to shank?
Mitchell: It's not the county fair.
Cameron: Alright, well, maybe we'll just go outside and, I don't know, kick something?
Mitchell: Or... Or we could do a puzzle? Or we could spell Connecticut?

Mitchell: Okay, uh... you know what? You... You be the donor. I don't think that I can have a kid in the world and not be a part of their life.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, I don't think I can, either. It would kill me to have a little button-nose beauty out there kicking up a storm as the first female punter or the first male Rockette.
Mitchell: We begged them. We're gonna look like such flakes. They're gonna be heartbroken.
Cameron: How do we tell them?
Mitchell: We're just gonna have to be completely honest.
Cameron: We could tell them the microwave's been on the fritz and we're both sterile.
Mitchell: Great. That.

Cameron: Listen, um... what just happened? Because we just cratered your entire family planning, and all we get is a "Have a good one"?
Mitchell: You don't seem too broken up about it.
Molly: Uh... No, no, we're super-sad. We're just lesbians.
Cameron: Oh. Oh, of course.
Mitchell: Okay. That's on us.

Luke: I couldn't talk to Sherry before the show, so I had to sit through it. The first sketch was so bad, I tried to bail, but they locked the doors. Then she walked on the stage... or should I say, the first octopus President
walked on stage.
[flashback:]
Luke: [laughs] Look. She's signing eight bills at once. [laughs]
Sherry: And I'll never run out of ink.
[back:]
Luke: Her performance was a Tour de France. She was like a hot, girl version of my dad.

Gloria: Manny, violence is never the answer.
Jay: Kid, you don't know what you're doing.
Manny: Uh, yes, I do. I got a "satisfactory" in Beginning Stage Combat. And action!

Gloria: I'm so sorry that I told you that you didn't care about other people.
Jay: I care about other people. I'm really very sensitive.
Gloria: That's great. So, maybe tomorrow, you can take Joe to that little boy's princess party.
Jay: Little boy's princess party? Eh... I think it's nice that he has the freedom to express himself that way. Pretty good, huh?
Gloria: They want the parents to go dress up, too.
Jay: Okay, I'm out.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: Dylan's mom, Farrah, came to see the babies, and then she found out that her polyamorous quad was downgraded to a triad. Now we're stuck with her.
Phil: Polyamory. Can you imagine?
Claire: [chuckles] No. [off Phil's look] She needs to go.

Farrah: [drumming]
Claire: Farrah! Do you have to do that right here?
Farrah: Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't realize you wanted it to keep flooding in the Philippines.
Phil: I don't want it to keep flooding in the Philippines, Claire.

Farrah: Oh, Claire, would you be comfortable rubbing this just above my buttocks while I offer up a Tibetan pain chant?
Claire: Doesn't sound like me. But I might know someone who could help you out.

Phil: [on the phone] Honestly, Jerry, it's that, uh... Claire and I have... have hit a rough patch. She's been huffing... cans of whipped cream. I mean... [whispers] Help me. [normal voice] Underneath our bed looks like backstage at a pie-eating contest.
Claire: Invite him here.
Phil: [whispers] What?
Claire: Just get him here as fast as you can. Come on.
Phil: Uh, actually, Jerry, everything's fine. Claire just agreed to seek help. See you tomorrow.