Mitchell: Um, alright, now me. Um... [sings] Aaah. Perfect pitch.
Cameron: Well, what this baby needs is rhythm. And I've never had a cavity.
Mitchell: I-I have good penmanship.
Cameron: Well, I had an aunt that lived to 110, and she smoked a pipe every day.
Mitchell: I'm responsible.
Cameron: I'm nurturing.
Mitchell: Uh... Okay. I'm nurturing, too. When Lily was a baby, I sang her to sleep every night, with perfect pitch. [sings] Aaah.
Cameron: Well, I used to look at her through the window every morning when I would drop her off at school, until the security guard took my picture.

Cameron: Ooh, do you mind? Can we get a-a picture with you just to show all of our friends what it took to beat us out?
Man: Sure.
Mitchell: Sorry. Thanks.
Man: Okay. Would it help if I took off my shirt?
Mitchell: Oh, probably, yeah.
Cameron: In so many ways. Yes, it would.

Gloria: Why would you kiss Sherry?
Luke: I didn't mean for it to happen.
Jay: I'm not surprised. I've seen you make out with a Mr. Potato Head.
Luke: It was a Mrs. Potato Head. She had the bow and the girl lips.

Farrah: 45 minutes of sitar, and nothing. She can't be reasoned with.
Jerry: That's so Dede. She's clearly still upset with us.
Phil: Well, she does hold a grudge.
Claire: Phil.
Jerry: Claire, could you try and reason with your mother?
Claire: What... Okay, Jerry, is it possible that you are projecting your guilt about moving on? Because that's not my mom over there.
Jerry: I don't mean to seem indelicate, but you sound a little crazy right now. Please, talk to the tree.

Claire: Hey, uh, Mom? So, uh... Jerry wants to go to Mexico for a year...
Jerry: Four months!
Claire: Worth a shot. And he's lonely, so he wants to take his new friend. What? [gasps] Wh... You're... Really? You're okay with it? She says "Have fun."
Jerry: How did she sound? Did she seem passive-aggressive?
Phil: Yeah, maybe you should double-check, Claire.
Claire: Great. Thank you, Phil.

Claire: That was crazy! Did you see that?
Phil: Hold on. Your... Your mom wants to say something.
Claire: What?
Phil: [moving the tree] "Hey, Claire Bear. Maybe you should appreciate Phil's magic more, especially since he just solved your problem."
Claire: [chuckles] I can't believe it. You're a genius. Mm. Thank you.
Phil: You're welcome. They don't call me Filament Dunphy for nothing.
Claire: That is cute, but you are still selling houses, right?
Phil: Oh, shoot, I have a showing in 20 minutes. Oh! [falls as he runs away, still tied to the tree] Love you.

Claire: Oh, I guess I should be watering you more, huh? I've been busy. You're not even here, and I feel like you're judging me. Fine. I haven't been busy. I miss you. [exhales sharply] It's probably why I didn't want to see Jerry. He reminds me so much of you. It's also why Farrah drives me nuts. If I'm gonna have a kook in my house, I'd want it to be you. [tree moves] Phil. Phil, stop it! Shut up, Mom. I like this haircut.