Molly: You know, we don't want anyone involved financially or otherwise, so we were just thinking of going to the sperm bank.
Cameron: That's a good option, but make sure the janitors are handsome, because, you know, they have the keys to everything.

Campbell: Well, we also thought about asking my brother.
Mitchell: Oh, you don't want to go down that road. It's too complicated. "My daddy, my uncle, my daddy, my uncle." It's "Chinatown."

Jay: Gloria, we should not be involved. You know what my dad always said to me every time I was down? Nothing. I learned to figure everything out on my own.
Gloria: This is your least attractive quality. Where is your empathy?
Jay: I have empathy. That's the one where you care about people, right?
Gloria: You don't go out of your way for anyone.
Jay: Yes, I do. You remember that little valet at the club? If I hadn't got him fired, he'd still be moving everybody's seats up.

Jay: Oh, good. You're both here. Listen, I was thinking about yesterday, how upset you are, and how you say I don't care about people's feelings, so check this out. Brandi, get in here.
Brandi: [o.s.] I'm not done with my cigarette!
Gloria: What did you do?
Jay: I was trying to figure a way how to help Manny to move on, and all of a sudden, I met this little angel. Brandi?
Brandi: Hold on! The best part's right at the filter!
Jay: You're gonna love her. She runs towels at the car wash.
Manny: Why did you encourage this?
Jay: Hey, now, why settle for Sherry when you can have a little Brandi?
Manny: I'll admit, that's good.

Gloria: How did your talk with Sherry go?
Luke: Not well.
Gloria: What do you mean? Did you mention to her that Manny was retweeted by one of the Property Brothers?
Luke: Yeah, I brought that up.

Jerry: Sorry, I would've knocked, but you know I abhor violence.
Phil: Hey. Oh, [grunts] sorry, I was grinding polenta for our lunch. My arm's kinda tender.
Jerry: Polenta elbow is a real thing. Marianne Williamson was the only candidate with the guts to talk about it.

Claire: So, Jer, how you doing?
Jerry: I'm hanging in there. Very happy to see you both. But the truth is, Claire, in this light, you're reminding me so much of your mother.
Claire: Well, it's the hair.
Jerry: Same neck.

Farrah: Um, I don't know what happened.
Jerry: It's Dede. How did she get here? I thought she was at Mitchell's house.
Farrah: I don't understand.
Claire: My mom's ashes are fused to the roots of the tree.
Farrah: Of course.
Jerry: Dede, I never would have flirted with another woman in front of you. Unless it was that kind of weekend, like that time in Taos.
Claire: Ew.

Jerry: Dede needs me. I shouldn't go anywhere.
Claire: But... But what... But what about the butterflies and Méjico?
Farrah: Claire, I can feel it. Your mother is in pain right now.
Claire: Are... Are we absolutely sure it's the tree? Because I do have an eggplant parmesan under the broiler.
Jerry: I don't mean to overreact, but I think the situation may call for some throat singing.
[Jerry and Farrah vocalize]

Mitchell: Alright. Mitch. Cam.
Cameron: Okay, I'll go first. I'm tall.
Mitchell: Tall.
Cameron: I'm strong, and I have a Matt Damon nose.
Mitchell: [chuckles] Okay.
Cameron: Okay. Mitchell, quick... me or Matt Damon?
Mitchell: Uh...
Cameron: Don't think, just answer.
Mitchell: Uh... Okay, I'll give you that one.