Claire: Come on. Then what has been going on with you recently? You've been so moody.
Luke: I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going to school and hearing teachers say, "You're Alex Dunphy's brother? Really?" Like I'm an idiot.
Claire: Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.
Luke: I forgot the paddle even though we just learned the boating checklist yesterday. Alex would never do that. And if she did, she'd probably, like I don't know use this fishing rod to cast out and hook us on the shore because "I'm so smart." And then she'd pull us in because everything she does always works.
Claire: Oh, my God. It's working. It's working!
Luke: Figures. Alex.

Ronaldo: I have eyes on the grooms.
Pepper: I'm three feet behind you.

Haley: Andy, are you sure about getting on that plane?
Andy: Yeah, yeah. I-I'm fine. You know, she does this every once in a while. She just likes the drama.
Haley: But I-
Andy: Okay. Haley, I appreciate your concern I really do, but I've been in this relationship off and on for eight years, so I kind of know what I'm doing, all right? Thank you for the ride. [holds out keys] It's a tool of the trade. The car one says "Toyota."

Barb Tucker: Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding, maybe lose the toothpick?
Merle Tucker: I'm getting tired of this nagging. I'm leaving you.
Jay: What?
Barb Tucker: Not if I leave you first!
Gloria: No, no, no, you don't mean this!
Barb Tucker: Oh, don't you feel bad, honey. You have helped me today.
Merle Tucker: [to Jay] Thanks for getting me over the hump.
Jay and Gloria: What did you do?

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, best man.
Claire: Hello, blushing bride.
Mitchell: I feel like I should hate that more.
Claire: Yeah, I think I might go with "best person."

Phil: Wait. I-I thought you were taking me to the eye doctor. They said I'm not supposed to drive myself home.
Claire: No, no, no, no. I'm picking up Luke from his wilderness trip. Alex can take you.
Phil: That's a bummer.
Alex: Aww, Dad, I'm touched.
Phil: No, not because of you. I'd just rather pick up Luke. Than go to the eye doctor. I-I love spending time with you. Don't worry you're fun.
Alex: Wow.

Barb Tucker: Can I just say thank you again for letting us stay here?
Gloria: You have thanked us enough with that big bag of deer meat.

Manny: Hey, Mom. Can you see this?
Gloria: What pimple?
Manny: I knew it. I can't go looking like this. Weddings are where you meet girls.
Merle Tucker: Not at this one.

Gloria: Have a great spa day.
Jay: Men don't have spa days. We're just going to the club, taking a steam, having a couple of rubdowns.
Merle Tucker: Hey. Do they serve cucumber water at that place?
Jay: Sometimes they do a strawberry-basil mix.

Barb Tucker: Merle?
Merle Tucker: Yes, ma'am?
Barb Tucker: Be back in time for me to do your tie.
Merle Tucker: Uh, yes, ma'am. [exits]
Barb Tucker: [to Gloria] I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Gloria: See what?
Barb Tucker: The way we just snapped at each other.
Gloria: Are you joking?
Barb Tucker: Obviously, Merle and I are going through a heck of a rough patch.
Gloria: If I talked to Jay that nice, he would think I'm cheating on him.