Lily: I just thought of something. What's going on with my hair today?
Mitchell: Daddy's going to do it up really pretty with flowers.
Lily: Not you, right?
Mitchell: No, other daddy.
Lily: Oh, thank God.

Mitchell: We just need to get in touch with the owner. Y-you, uh, you know his name, right? It's Aziz something? Cameron: Oh, oh. It's it's uh, no, it's a-Amir.
Mitchell: It's it's not Amir, no.
Cameron: Oh, no, it's, uh, Ahmad.
Mitchell: It's Achmed.
Cameron: No. Oh, it's on the ticket.
Mitchell: Now I'm just feeling racist. What is it?
Cameron: Here it is. It's Jerry.
Mitchell: J- Oh, Jerry.
Cameron: Amari.
Mitchell: Jerry Amari. There you go.

Alex: Can we just get the gift and get out of here?
Phil: Right, but first things first. Let's put on some funny hats, act like they're not there, and then walk around all serious.
Alex: What's the point of this?
Phil: That's good. You're nailing it.

Claire: So, did you have fun?
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: What was your favorite thing?
Luke: I don't remember.
Claire: It was yesterday.
Luke: Hot dogs. Can we go now?
Claire: Honey, I feel bad that you have to leave early. What are you missing today?
Luke: Boating.
Claire: Well, I mean, we have a little time.
Luke: You don't mind waiting in the car?

Jay: Hey, Howard, Larry. This is my, uh... This is my friend Merle and he's visiting from Missouri.
Howard: Ooh, the "show me" state.
Jay: Don't say that in here!

Larry: So, what brings you to town, Merle?
Merle Tucker: Well, uh... My... Our... Jay's and my kids are getting married today.
Howard: Congratulations.
Larry: Isn't that nice? Father of the bride, father of the groom taking a steam together the day of the wedding.
Jay: Yeah, something like that.
Larry: The day my son got married piece of cake. But the day I lost my little girl, oh, that wrecked me. So, which one of you has to suffer through that today?
Merle Tucker: You know what? It's too hot in here.
Jay: Yeah.
Merle Tucker: Let's go.
Jay: Mm-hmm. Real evolved. Your swans would be ashamed.

Barb Tucker: Well, I guess I first noticed it after Pameron moved out, and Merle and I just started sniping at each other.
Gloria: Yeah, like that bloodbath this morning?
Barb Tucker: Oh, again, I am so sorry. But Merle is not the type you can talk to about things. I mean, the man's had a toothpick in his mouth our whole marriage, and I can't say a word.
Gloria: No, you can't sit on your feelings. You will explode! I have, like, 10 little explosions every day, so I don't have the big one. The women in my family, sometimes, they shoot their husbands.
Barb Tucker: Well, we've had 48 good years. I guess we're just gonna run out the clock.
Gloria: No! You're still... You have... That is bad attitude!

Gloria: You have to tell Merle what is bothering you.
Barb Tucker: Oh, he doesn't want to hear all that. He gets all closed off and macho.
[cut to:]
Merle Tucker: [giggling] You're ticklin' my piggies.
Jay: You get used to that.

Merle Tucker: It's a shame Mitchell's mother couldn't make it to the wedding.
Jay: For who?
Merle Tucker: Mm, things still rough between the two of you?
Jay: Merle, things have always been rough. That woman never stopped complaining. Finding the strength to leave Dede was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best decision I ever made.
Merle Tucker: Well, you sure made a score with that Gloria. Wow.
Jay: Big-time.
Merle Tucker: I bet you landed her before she got a gander at those hooves of yours. [laughs]
Jay: You're welcome, by the way.

Andy: Yep, that's my Beth. She's pretty. Yeah. She's the most beautiful creature, inside and out. I'm just the luckiest guy ever to get to love her.
Haley: Okay, she may be real, but no way you are. Who talks like that?
Andy: You know, I hate when you say things like that because you are funny, and you are pretty, and you are smart in an original way, so why shouldn't a guy feel lucky to love you?
Haley: Shut up. Be normal.