Mitchell: Has anyone heard from Sal?
Pepper: No. And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We didn't exactly ask Sal.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Sal. We have something very important to talk to you about.
Mitchell: Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea-
Sal: Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding! Oh, my drinks!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was supposed to be an intervention.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My mother can't come to the wedding. She was at a yoga retreat, and she fell out of a warrior pose, and she broke her hip.
Cameron: Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?
Mitchell: Cam, please. They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother. Of course someone pushed her.

Mitchell: [on the phone] I'm actually relieved she's not coming. She has given me the gift of a crazy-free wedding.
Claire: I know. I was just a little sad for you. Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
Mitchell: Enough about dad. He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get track suits as casualwear.

Merle Tucker: Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.
Gloria: Manny roasts his own beans every Friday night.
Jay: That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans for a long time, if you know what I mean.

Cameron: I can't handle this. We're getting married in five hours. I don't have my perfectly tailored tux. I can't just go buy something off the rack. I'm not Cindy Crawford.
Mitchell: Why a woman? I'm just wondering.

Alex: Can you see better in here?
Phil: A little, but those drops are really hanging on. I'm like Han Solo right when he came out of the carbonite. Really? Nothing?
Alex: I get it. It's "Star Trek."
Phil: You're breaking my heart.
Alex: Save it for Luke. He'll love that.

Merle Tucker: So, Cam tells me you and Mitch had a little dust-up.
Jay: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. That kid can hold a grudge.
Merle Tucker: A little uncomfortable about that wedding, are you?
Jay: Well, you know what I'm feeling, right?
Merle Tucker: I'd like to think I've evolved on the subject. We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond. They seem pretty happy.

Cameron: [on the phone] Well, I guess we have different definitions of "emergency," then. You know, I'm just gonna say it little bit of attitude.
Mitchell: Well, you requested a S.W.A.T. team.

Luke: It's not working!
Claire: And there's no oar? We are literally up a creek without a paddle?

Phil: Yes, picking up for Dunphy. It's on hold, I believe. Beautiful day, huh? I was told.
Sales Clerk: Here we go. Credit card?
Phil: Uh, just to be sure, that is turquoise, right? Because my wife said it also comes in emerald.
Sales Clerk: Yes. Sir, it's a very long line.
Phil: Mm. Okay. Um, can I have it for one second? Thank you. Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.
Sales Clerk: You can feel color? You gotta be kidding me.
Phil: When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened. That's why you sound so loud and judge-y to me.
Sales Clerk: My mistake, sir. I'll be right back. [fakes footsteps] Here it is.
Woman: Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.
Phil: Thank you wherever you are.
Sales Clerk: I don't think he's really blind.
Alex: Excuse me. My father suffered methanol poisoning on a humanitarian mission in Honduras, resulting in permanent neurological dysfunction and irreversible blindness. It's been hard enough on our family without people like you making it worse. If he feels it's not the bowl, it's not the bowl.
Sales Clerk: I'm so sorry. I'll check on the turquoise.