Gloria: Cilantro!
Cameron: What?
Gloria: That car backfiring, it sounded like gunshots. I remember when I was a little girl in my aunt's kitchen, and she started chopping the cilantro really loud so that we couldn't hear the noise.
Cameron: Yes, okay. Well, what else do you remember?
Gloria: Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago.
Cameron: No, the recipe is inside you! It just needs to come out!
Joe: Mommy, I found it. [pig oinks]
Gloria: Lemon juice!
Cameron: What? Oh, see? I told you it's just a matter of time!
Gloria: [siren wails] Capers, jalapeno, and a dash of black pepper!

Dylan: It's just so sad. The guy decides to spend the rest of his life with some zombie he doesn't love.

Haley: Hey, um, real quick. Why wasn't it more uncomfortable for you to watch that movie?
Andy: Right. Because zombies killed my parents.
Haley: Oh, never mind. I forgot you can't have an adult conversation.

Dylan: Why do you think people stopped saying "coinkydink"?
Haley: Dylan, um...
Dylan: Oh, god. You're breaking up with me again, aren't you?
Haley: I'm sorry. I just- I- I feel like Andy and Beth and everyone in the world are moving forward, and we're moving backward.
Dylan: Actually, we're stopping, because I want to get out of the car.
Haley: Dylan.
Dylan: Stop! I'm tired of being jerked around. Now I'm moving forward, too.
Haley: Can't you at least call an Uber?
Dylan: You know they banned me for talking too much to the drivers!

Phil: Oh, my god! I killed Reuben!

Claire: Don't try and make this our fault. You are the one who went to the liquor store and bought- What? Ice.
Alex: Reuben sprained his hamstring today while playing Quidditch.
Claire: Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but Reuben?

Alex: You know what? Caltech is hard. Between all the geniuses and breaking up with Sanjay, I just wanted something comfortable, even if it is a wormy little dork that worships me.
Claire: Oh, honey, I understand.

Cameron: Gloria, this is what we need to be selling at the Farmers' Market. We would have them lined up clear down past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand. I would crush Andrew.
Gloria: I cannot go back to the Farmers' Market.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The year was 2011. I had just come back from Colombia with a box full of our family's homemade hair relaxer, the Colombian Comb-Out. Friday, I sold 50 bottles, but Saturday...
[flashback:]
Woman: It says on the bottle to leave it in for three minutes!
Gloria: No, it says, "leave in for three. Minutes later, you will look fantastic." One, two, three, comb it out. Ay, I see how it can be confusing.

Jay: If it's true, as many people theorize that Stonehenge was, in fact, a druid closet- Mitchell.

Mitchell: I'm sorry. I got this whole work thing stressing me out.
Jay: It's your lucky day. You have an audience with a Titan of Industry without having to buy the $15-a-plate dinner ticket.