Shorty: Hey, hey, hey. That's a great coat. Where'd you get that?
Mitchell: I don't know. It was a gift.
Shorty: Really? What is it- suede, microsuede? Um- Some kind of lambskin? It's very soft, you know.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Jay: What's the matter?
Mitchell: Um, "a friend of my son"? That's how you introduce Cam?
Jay: That's why you came here?
Mitchell: Dad, it's just more than a little insulting. Cam and I have been together for five years. We- We have a daughter.

Cameron: Mitchell, how do these look to you?
Mitchell: Like they're dying.
Cameron: I know. Right? I said something to the florist. He said, "Don't worry about it. They're gonna come back." They're not coming back. They've crossed to the other side.
Mitchell: You are a funny man.
Cameron: Why?
Mitchell: You're completely bothered by the flowers. But when my father introduces you as "a friend of my son," doesn't faze you in the least.
Cameron: Because the florist played me for a fool. Your dad didn't mean any harm. He's just being who he is.

Gloria: I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty to keep a secret like that. Jay, I think you should talk to him.
Jay: What?
Gloria: You're the only one with a gay son. I'm sure he'll appreciate opening up to you.
Jay: We're guys. We don't open up. We talk about sports and cars, getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
Gloria: I'm sure you made it very easy for Mitch to come out of the closet.
Jay: [unconvincing] Yeah.
Gloria: Okay. I'm gonna finish my makeover. Because I care about people. Because I want to help them change their lives. Jay, I'm hinting that you should call your friend, okay?
Jay: Yes. I'm getting that.
Gloria: Okay, okay.

Phil: Hey, hey! Daddy in the hizzouse!

Phil: You know what I'm gonna do? Hmm? I'm gonna buy a new remote- the same remote. And just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna teach our dumbest kid how to use it in 20 minutes or less.
Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.
Claire: Luke? No, Luke understands electronics. Haley.
Phil: No.
Claire: Yeah, Haley. Teach Haley to use the remote, and then I'll apologize.
Phil: Haley? Come on!

Jay: [on the phone] Hey, Shorty, it's me. I was thinking of heading over to the driving range and hitting a few balls. You want to join me? I don't know. Wear- Wear whatever you want.

Cameron: Oh, my God! Oh, God!
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: The flowers. They look so much better! This is a disaster.
Mitchell: You do know what "disaster" means, right?
Cameron: You don't understand. I demanded that they come exchange them. I got all medieval on the florist. [puts flowers in the microwave]
Mitchell: Cam, I heard you on the phone. You said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval.
Jay: Excuse me. I said "very displeased." And I used my cowboy voice, so-
Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: I'm microwaving them so they look bad again.

Shorty: You know what the problem is.
Jay: What?
Shorty: You're not moving your hips. They're frozen.
Jay: Hips?
Shorty: Yeah, your hips. They're frozen. Here, let me show you.
Jay: No, it's okay. All right, Shorty.
Shorty: No, no. Don't fight me. Just bring the club back. Go ahead. All right? Now turn those hips. That's it. You just gotta relax. You gotta open up the stance a little bit. Spread 'em. Spread 'em. That's it. If you don't relax, you're never gonna get that shaft where it belongs.

Phil: Now press the button labeled "Activities."
Haley: Where is that?
Phil: It's just to the right. To the right. And now choose "Watch DVD."
Haley: What?
Phil: Honey, you gotta focus. We've only got 20 minutes. Pretend- Pretend the mall's closing.
Haley: Dad, this is stupid. I watch TV on my computer. Why do I have to learn this?
Phil: Because your mom doesn't think you can.
Haley: Nobody can.
Phil: Haley, listen to me. Listen to me. I know this seems impossible. But this is for all those times that Mom told you she was right and you knew she was wrong.
Haley: I'll do it.
Phil: That's my girl.