Shorty: You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke. Look at his pants- no pleats. I like pants like that. You think I can get away with something like that?
Jay: Sure. Why not? Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right?
Shorty: What, 30 years?
Jay: Yeah. And, um, I sense that you got a secret that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish.
Shorty: You heard something, right?
Jay: Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell.
Shorty: Really?
Jay: Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either. And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me, that I'm gonna do all I can to help you.
Shorty: Well, I mean I- I never said this out loud before to anyone. But I guess, if I did, it would be you. [chuckling] It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- I'm-
Jay: Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead.
Shorty: I'm in debt.
Jay: Huh?
Shorty: I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy. And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful.

Jay: Wait a minute. You're not gay?
Shorty: Gay? What are you talkin' about- gay? I'm not gay. Where'd you get gay?
Jay: Come on. I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right?
Shorty: My father was a tailor. I like clothes. So what? Are you calling my father gay?
Jay: No!
Shorty: My father landed on Normandy to save your ass. You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I'd knock you out right now.
Jay: Take a check?
Shorty: Cash would be better.

Gloria: Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney. Whitney, this is Cameron.
Cameron: Hello. It's nice to meet you. That is a spectacular dress.
Whitney: This old thing? [chuckles]
Gloria: What about her hair?
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were. One of my favorites.
Whitney: Me too.
Cameron: Okay, who is reading The Forevers?
Whitney: I am.
Cameron: I am so obsessed with this whole vampire thing right now.
Whitney: Me too.
[aside to camera:]
Whitney: I just met the sweetest guy named Cameron. I think he might be the one.

Shorty: Jay. Jay. Listen, I wanna thank you for, you know, helping me out with that jam.
Jay: It was nothin'.
Shorty: No, no, no. And I got you a little present.
Jay: You didn't have to do that.
Shorty: No, I did. Two tickets to see the great Michael Buble. The guy sings like an angel. He's gonna be outside at one of the amphitheaters.
Jay: Gloria's gonna love it.
Shorty: No. I'm talkin' about you and me.
Jay: Oh, you and me.
Shorty: Yeah.
Jay: Well, that's a little-
Shorty: I thought maybe we could have a little picnic since it's outside. You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine, a little cheese. Lay on a nice blanket. All right?
Jay: Yeah, fine.
Shorty: [to a passing man] Yo, hey. I like your hair. Who does your hair? Huh? Yo, handsome. Who does your hair?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Can people change? I don't know. People are who they are- give or take, yeah, 15%. That's how much people can change if they really want to. Whether it's for themselves or for the people they love... Yeah, 15%. But you know what? Sometimes that's just enough.

Phil: [aside to camera] I just installed a sweet home theater system in the family room. The, um- The trouble is Claire struggles with technology of any kind. I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.

Cameron: Hey! Look who it is.
Jay: Hey. There he is.
Cameron: What a coinkydink. I was just getting some flowers for Gloria for babysitting Lily.
Jay: You want me to take 'em to her?
Cameron: I would, but I have the most hilarious card for her at home. It's- It's a hunky Antonio Banderas type in silk boxers. And on the inside, it says, "Thank you for last noche, but I can't find my pantalones." [laughing] I'm not doing it justice, really.

Manny: Oh, that must be her. If this goes well, you don't need to stick around.

Mitchell: Me and Lily were just using the time to figure out how to use the car's voice-command thingy.
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: Here. Check it out. Watch. [beeps] CD player. Next track.
Female Voice: Say a command.
Mitchell: No. [beeps] CD player. Next track.
Female Voice: Air conditioner on.
Mitchell: Damn it.
Cameron: Wow. You're worse than your sister with this kind of stuff. It's a good thing Lily doesn't have an ejector seat.

Cameron: Oh, guess what. I ran into your dad and some of his friends.
Mitchell: Oh, really?
Cameron: Yeah. And get this. He, uh- He referred to me as "a friend of my son."
Mitchell: Seriously?
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: That's a little disrespectful to you.
Cameron: Well, I wasn't offended by it.
Mitchell: Well, I am. I mean, would he refer to Phil as "a friend of Claire's"? No.
Cameron: I've heard him call Phil a lot worse. Just let it pass. I should have never said anything.
Mitchell: I'm not letting it pass. He needs to know that's not okay. And if he doesn't like it, he knows where he can go.
Female Voice: Enter destination.
Mitchell: Hell!
Female Voice: Mexican food.
Mitchell: Shut up!