Phil: Haley. You ready?
Haley: Let's do this.
Claire: Turn on the TV.
Phil: Nice.
Claire: Mute it. Un-mute it. Put on a DVD. Skip forward.
Haley: Wait. Um.
Claire: Okay. Back to TV.
Phil: Face!
Claire: Don't get all cocky, Phil. Let's see what happens to little Haley when I do this. [presses button on TV] Ho, ho, ho. Ho! Face.
Haley: Dad, wh- What do I do?
Phil: Don't panic. We went through this. Just- Just think.
Claire: Give up. Give up. Admit defeat.
Phil: Haley.
Haley: Okay. Uh, let's see. You put the remote on to TV mode and then press "Input" till you get HDMI 1 and... [laughing, whooping] I did it!
Phil: She did it!

Claire: Fine. You proved your point. Everybody in this house is smarter than me.
Phil: No, honey, you're missing the point. I taught Haley how to use the remote in 20 minutes. So think how fast you can learn it.
Haley: What's that supposed to mean?
Phil: See what I'm saying?

Jay: I'm here to let you know your gaydar is broken. Shorty is not gay.
Mitchell: No. I, uh- I knew that. I just, I made that up to mess with you for dissing Cam.
Jay: What? That cost me twenty-thousand bucks.
Mitchell: What do you mean?
Jay: I reached out to him to let him know it's okay to be gay.
Mitchell: You did?
Jay: Yeah. Right after one of the stranger golf lessons of my life. Turns out what he is is a lousy gambler, and now I'm the one on the hook for it.
Mitchell: [chuckles] Oh, I'm so sorry.
Jay: Then why are you smiling?
Mitchell: I'm- I'm proud of you, Dad. And you're growing.

Claire: Haley, sweetie, wake up.
Haley: What?
Claire: I need you to teach me to use the TV.
Gloria: Now? Why can't Dad teach you?
Claire: Because we're married.