Lois: It's time for me to step aside and let you handle things. Malcolm, I know you can do this.
Malcolm: [to camera] Unless I missed the sarcasm, I think she meant that. I've actually been given permission to run my own life. Well, at least get my own candy bar. But you know what? I want that candy bar more than I want my next breath. I have a plan.
[Malcolm screams as he kicks in Leland's door]
Lois: Malcolm, what are you doing?
Malcolm: My plan.
Lois: Well, get your foot out of the door.
Malcolm: It's stuck. [whimpers]
[Leland opens the door, dragging Malcolm along with it]
Leland: By the way, our Madrigal group is having a sing-off against Jazzmatazz tomorrow. You should check it out before you leave. [closes door]
Malcolm: [groans]

Reese: Oh, my God. [to Christie] All this time, you were just using me to get to my dad? [to Hal] And all this time you were selling drugs, and you never even bought us a DVD player? Get him out of here.

[A pair of paramedics carry Malcolm away on the door his foot is still stuck through]
Malcolm: [to camera] It's not a total loss. When they took the door off the hinges, they discovered Leland had a hot plate. We all got to watch while they made him unplug it and put it in the closet.
Lois: Don't you worry about it, honey. Just be glad this was our safety school. When we go to Yale, I promise I'll be much more on top of things.

Malcolm: You can't do this to me! Dad's supposed to take me, not you!
Lois: Malcolm, this is your first visit to a university. Your father and I talked it over and we both agreed. [Hal shakes his head behind Lois] This is a big deal, we don't want to blow it. If I come along, I can make sure that you don't say or do anything that you shouldn't. I can take a little of the pressure off you.

Otto: I don't understand it. I told all of the guests about my Hayride for Lovers on Friday night, and no one signed up.
Francis: Well, most of the guests have children. They can't just abandon them to go on a couples-only hayride.
Otto: We're only allowing couples? Ah, well, then there, there is the solution. We will start a child-care center.
Francis: Ooh, Otto, I don't think...
Otto: It will be wonderful. We will have posture contests, and I can show them slides of my childhood in postwar Germany. They will love it.
Francis: Otto, as great as that idea is, I wouldn't set my heart on it. These people came here to spend time with their families. They're not just going to dump their children the first chance they get.
[cut to a packed daycare center:]
Man: Can we leave them overnight?

Reese: [picks up pay phone] ...and the delivery's on time? Good. I've got a lot of hungry customers. [hangs up] Oh, hey, Christie, I didn't see you. Are you ready? I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised by how much ice cream I can eat.
Christie: Look, Reese, um, you know, we got coffee, and we saw a movie, and we went skating. I thought hanging out with you would involve a little more... partying. Don't you have like a friend or maybe someone you know of or someone you heard rumors about that could help us out?
Reese: Hey, I got to trust somebody before I party with them.
Christie: You trust me, don't you?
Reese: Not yet, but there must be some way a hot girl like you can get a desperate guy like me to trust you. Hey, why don't we go park by the river and see if we can think of something.

Hal: [on the phone] That's exactly what I would have done, Lois. Yep, camped out in the room. [Hal places the vacuum cleaner down] You didn't happen to take the oven timer, did you? I can't understand this... All week stuff has been disappearing right from under my nose. [Dewey takes the vacuum cleaner] Well, it's like I put something down, and then it's just gone. No, it's not even anything worth stealing. It's as if someone is trying to make me crazy on purpose. You're probably right. I love you, too. Bye. [hangs up] What the...? [the phone has disappeared too]

Boy: Can I please have some more lemonade?
Otto: What a wonderfully polite little boy. Please, take a sewing kit und a small moisturizer.

Francis: Otto, none of the parents showed up for the hayride.
Otto: Their kids are here.
Francis: It's so weird. Nobody's answering their phones, so I went by all their rooms. They all have Do Not Disturb... Oh. I guess I better go get a pep talk ready for housekeeping in the morning.

Dewey: This horn's from Dad's van, and this one's from Mom's car and this one's from the ice cream truck.
[As Dewey starts to remove the drain pipe from the side of the house, Hal walks out into backyard]
Hal: Dewey. What are you doing?
Dewey: The spout fell down. I'm fixing it.
Hal: Good boy. Listen, I talked with Mrs. Hittelman down the block and she said that if you want, you can use her piano.
Dewey: Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found something else to amuse myself.
Hal: Oh. Well, good. Hey, have you seen my hair dryer? I swear, it's like stuff is just getting up and walking off. Either that or someone's messing with me.
Dewey: Dad, I think I figured out what's going on. Somebody's sneaking into the house and stealing stuff. Probably punks.
Hal: No, not punks, son. Just good kids who got lost along the way. Either way, they're going down.
[After Hal goes back inside, Dewey goes back to trying to remove the drainpipe]