Malcolm: [to camera] Mom is actually letting me walk all the way to the vending machine and back without tying a string to my waist.

Lois: You're denying my son candy?
Malcolm: Mom, it doesn't matter. I'll just go down to the next floor.
Leland: Use of the vending machine is a privilege, not a right.
Lois: If my son wants a candy bar, he can have a candy bar. You don't get to decide for him. I get to decide.
Malcolm: Do I even need to be here for this?
Leland: Since I'm the one with the key to the lock, I think I'm in charge. [closes door]
Lois: Come on. This isn't over yet.
Malcolm: Mom, why don't you just put me in a diaper?
Lois: One thing at a time, Malcolm. First, we're going to get you that candy.

Christie: ...and my parents they just drive me crazy. I just need to ditch reality and escape sometimes. You know what I mean?
Reese: Look, Christie, here's the thing. When I first met you, I was just messing around, but we've gotten so close that now... I really like you. I can't keep this up anymore.
Christie: What do you mean?
Reese: I'm not the person you think I am. I've been pretending since the day I met you. It's so hard having to constantly cover my tracks to keep my story straight, and I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of living this lie.
Christie: Reese, I think I know your secret.
Reese: No, actually, you don't, but it doesn't matter 'cause I'm done with it. I'm sorry. [exits]
Christie: [into covert microphone] Did you get all that? Yeah, it looks like he's going straight. So if we're going to bust this kid, we better do it now.

Lois: All Malcolm wanted was a candy bar, but Leland put a lock on the vending machine. We can't let him get away with this.
Andrea: I want to go on record: I hated him first.
Paula: This would never happen in Barthelona. Why are Americans so immature?
Scott: Why don't you just write an angry note or-or a missive after I get accepted?
Lois: Look, Scott, you'll face jerks and tyrants like Leland all your life. The sooner you learn how to deal with them, the better. And no one's chances of getting into this school are going to be affected. He is going to hand over that key.
Paula: How?
Lois: I don't know yet, but there are plenty of ways to force people to do what you want. You can find something incriminating in their room. You can get dirt from a bitter ex. Or you can make a blanket accusation with absolute conviction and just wait for them to blurt out something.
Malcolm: Wait. You use that trick on me all the time.
Lois: No, sweetie, that's a different thing entirely. Now, we've gotta get Malcolm some candy.
Malcolm: [to camera] Well, I guess I'll be cool and popular after college.

Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: Dad! In here! Quick!
Hal: What is it?
Dewey: I just saw someone sneak out with Mom's robe.
Hal: Good eye, son. [runs off] Halt! Halt, you damn punks!

Francis: Oh, my God.
Otto: These parents trusted me with their little ones und I've poisoned them. What kind of a monster am I?
Francis: Otto, you made an honest mistake, but everything's gonna be okay. As long as the kids are in here, they're safe. [kid runs out]

[When a police officer opens the garage door, Dewey starts to play "The Can Can" on the musical contraption he has built]
Hal: My stuff!

Hal: All right, Jamie, this'll put a stop to all the stealing. And your father is a reasonable man, but sometimes even he can be pushed too far. You don't poke the bear.
[As Hal plugs in the security device, a large group of police officers storm the house:]
Police Officer: Police! Nobody move! We have a warrant to search these premises on suspicion of possession of narcotics. [sees baby Jamie] Nice.
Hal: Narcotics? What are you... [Hal screams as he's tackled by an office]
Christie: Sir, we need you to just remain calm, and we'll get through this as quickly as possible.
Hal: Weren't you Annie Oakley in the school play?
Christie: Yeah, but I wasn't very good.