Reese: Wait a second. You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
Hal: [stammers] Well, son...
Reese: [laughs] I'm just screwing with you. Relax.

Malcolm: [to camera] I have my first college visit coming up. I get to stay overnight in a dorm, tour the campus and spend 18 hours pretending my family doesn't exist. I actually skipped all the way to school today. I probably should've stopped once I passed the football field, but who cares? My body may have been stuffed in a trash can, but my mind was taking a shower with a college chick.

Reese: Come on, there's tons of reasons to go out with a guy like me. To make your dad mad, or your boyfriend jealous. Maybe you just hate yourself, or have a sick curiosity. I don't know! I can't do all the work for you! [to Malcolm] I thought I at least I had a chance with the fat ride.
Malcolm: Did you actually call her that?
Reese: Hey, I didn't make her fat.