Francis: You're not going to do anything? You have to go to that apartment and get him back.
Hal: Look, that's not how it works.
Francis: Oh, I know how it works. I was thrown into military school so fast, I still had shampoo in my hair. The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out.
Lois: Francis, this is really none of your business. You don't even live here anymore.
Francis: Because you kicked me out! And now you're doing the same thing to Reese. Right now he's sitting in that apartment with his cable TV and his huge stack of video games... miserable.
Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
Francis: Really? So what's this? Like the tenth time he's "brought it on himself"? And let's see, Malcolm's "brought it on himself" six times, so with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kick-outs, three different kids, and the only constant through all of this is you two.
Lois: Francis, that is not fair.
Francis: Maybe you just don't like sharing your house with your children. So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?
Lois: He's at the babysitter's.
Hal: Just till 5:00.

Malcolm: This football player wants to use an essay I wrote for his college application and pretend it's his own. I know it's dishonest, but I might be making too much of it. I wanted to get your advice.
Lois: You're hoping I can help you.
Malcolm: Yeah, I just said that. So, I don't think he should get into college under false pretenses, but are they really false pretenses if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? I don't want to be a part of his cheating, but I also don't want to take away his shot at going to college. I just don't know what to do.
Lois: You're uncertain... what action to take.
Malcolm: Yes! Why are you talking like a robot?
Lois: You want to know why I'm... talking like a robot.
Malcolm: I have a problem, and I need your help! All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say!
Lois: You say one thing, and I restate it.
Malcolm: Forget it! If you're not going to help me, you don't have to mock me! [exits]
Lois: [to herself] We do not come from a family of criminals. You do not let him turn in that essay! [sighs] God, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake.

Hal: Hi, honey.
Lois: I'm going to need you to be calm.
Hal: Aw, geez. Which kid is it?
Lois: I'm not going to tell you. You're not calm enough yet.
Hal: Reese. Okay, deep breath. What'd he do?
Lois: All right. Reese...
[later:]
Hal: That... glubber...! That... sniggit...! I'm gonna... [indiscernible]
Lois: Honey, do you want some tea or a drink?

Reese: Oh, man, what a day. Vic lost his other one in the meat grinder, and the health department shut us down for 15 minutes. We were playing catch up all afternoon.
Lois: [quietly] You sit down.
Hal: [speaks gibberish]
Lois: He wants to know how you could do something so horrible.
Hal: [speaks gibberish]
Lois: And think you could get away with it?
Hal: [speaks gibberish]
Lois: Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?

Reese: What are you guys talking about?
Lois: You know very well what we're talking about. Last week, you...
[later:]
Reese: I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time.
Lois: What am I going to do with you, Reese? I don't want to tell you this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!
Reese: You know what? I've just worked my butt off for six hours, and I don't appreciate getting yelled at the second I come through the door.
Lois: [scoffs] You're complaining?
Hal: No... complain! Yell... us!
Lois: Hal, give yourself another minute.
Reese: Or you both could just shut up.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, boy. In this family, that's what we call "the closer." We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days. The only question left is who gets to take the credit. [Lois, Hal and Reese rush to the front door]
Hal: You're kicked out!
Reese: I'm leaving!
Lois: Not if we get to the doorknob first!
Lois & Hal: You're outta here!
Reese: I'm outta here! Tie goes to the runner.

Lois: You know, this place isn't so bad. Next time we come, we can bring some plants.
Reese: Sweet! Hold on a sec. [on the phone] Hi, I just got your Deluxe Platinum Card, and I want to activate it. "Two-four-seven-one." Now, listen, I already transferred a $3,000 balance from the Valley Federal Card over to my Spring Mills Mutual Card, because I had an $8,000 limit. But since I'm already bumping against that, I might as well transfer everything to yours, because it has a $20,000 limit. Sure, I'd love to talk to a supervisor. [Lois hangs up the phone] Hey! I was on the phone!
Lois: You've been using credit cards? How much have you spent?
Reese: 10, 11 grand. But I'm still way under the $20,000 limit.
Hal: How can you spend that much in ten days?
Reese: Well, you know, I got that new convection oven, and that made the refrigerator look kind of shabby. Plus, I had to buy new clothes every time mine got dirty. And that giant gong in the bathroom? I mean, how do you guys do it? [Lois grabs Reese by the ear] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Lois: Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind. It's really very exciting, but I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied.
Reese: Ow! You're going to drag me all the way home?
Hal: Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

Lois: Yeah, my husband's getting older. I mean, he can still take them individually, but if they ever team up on him...
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Look, I don't think it's a good idea to treat kids like criminals or animals that need to be broken.
Lois: You've never met our boys.
Hal: Yeah, you can't begin to imagine the things they do.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: I've been practicing psychiatry for 40 years. There's nothing you could say that would shock me.
Lois: All right. Last week, Reese...
[later:]
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Oh, my God! What were the cats for?
Hal: We don't know.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Give me a minute.

Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Now... even in the most extreme, breathtakingly horrifying cases, there are some techniques that can be useful.
Hal: Yes! See, I told you this wasn't a waste of 90 bucks.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Have you ever heard of Active Listening?
Lois: No.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Most teenagers act out because they feel no one cares. With Active Listening, you mirror back everything your child says, which shows you're hearing them, and, by extension, understanding. I know. It sounds simple. But believe me, I've seen it work miracles.
Lois: Yeah, I don't think Reese would respond to that.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: You're worried it won't help him.
Lois: Yes! What if it actually makes it worse? I don't think I could stand any more trouble with him. Oh, this is so confusing!
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: You're feeling mixed-up right now.
Lois: God, yes, I am. You know, I'm usually so sure of myself, but this whole thing has just made me question every aspect of... Oh, that's good. Oh, that's really good.

Hal: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Hello. Is this the residence of the most un-nurturing, callous parents in the universe?
Hal: It's for you. [hands phone to Lois]
Lois: Hello.
Francis: Hi. I just got off the phone with your son, Reese. It's been over a week, and you haven't even talked to him? Congratulations! The fracturing of this family is now two-fifths complete.
Lois: Francis, this is a very hard and complicated situation, and I don't need you to yell at me right now.
Francis: There is nothing complicated about it. Just go to his apartment, tell him you love him and ask him to come home.
Lois: Are you nuts? This is Reese we're talking about.
Francis: So what?
Lois: Come on! You know exactly how he thinks. If we show that kind of weakness, it's like showing a hyena the belly of an antelope. Reese will come home with no limits and no boundaries. Within five years, we will be saying our last words to him over a police bullhorn.
Francis: All I know is that you have a child that needs you.
Dewey: [on the phone] No, he doesn't! He's happy where he is, and so are we!
Lois: Dewey, get off the phone.
Francis: Mom, I understand what you're worried about, but there is more to Reese than you give him credit for.
Lois: I wish I could believe that. Honey, I got to go. There's another call.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is the best part of my day: the 16 minutes between the horrors of school and the horrors of home.