Lois: Hal, look. There's the parking lot.
Malcolm: You can let us out here.
Reese: Yeah, Dad, here's good.
Lois: Don't be silly. We're all going to the same place. Hal, look. A spot right up front. Right next to the cheerleaders.
[later:]
Malcolm: Thanks for what you did back there.
Reese: The firecracker did all the work. That's the good thing about cheerleaders. They stampede easy.

Francis: Otto, can I talk to you?
Otto: Yeah. How is your lovely wife? You know, you should start having babies right away. And you must breast-feed.
Francis: What happened to Bill and Andy? Neither one of them showed up for their shifts today.
Otto: Bill and Andy are on vacation. I thought I told you.
Francis: Well, who's supposed to be covering for them?
Otto: Let us have a look. [checks calendar] Ah, here. You see? Alex and Dan are filling in.
Francis: No. You let them go fishing until next Wednesday. Otto, I think it's wonderful that you're so accommodating, but sometimes you just have to say no. I mean, you're running a business.
Otto: Wait a second. Is that the same dog from July?

Cynthia: Malcolm! Malcolm! Hey, silly, we're over here. Malcolm.
Lloyd: Have you looked at these Rorschach tests they're calling maps?
Malcolm: Yeah, they're confusing, but do you guys think you can talk a little softer?
Stevie: I'm ready... to cry.
Kevin: They're not to scale. How do they expect anyone to use a map that's not to scale?
Malcolm: Guys.
Cynthia: Come on, this is exciting. I mean, I'm so disoriented. Keep me away from the heavy machinery. [hysterical laughter] [Malcolm backs away] Where are you going?
Dabney: I told you we should have taken a dry run last week! But, no, "Dabney's an alarmist!" Well, now look where we are!

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so yesterday wasn't too bad. I didn't make any new friends, but I did manage to avoid all my old ones. I'll make it up to them once I'm popular. Who am I kidding? No, I won't.

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, got to make up some ground. Here's what I'm going to do: be the first freshman with a girlfriend. It's worth a shot, right? I was going to give it a few weeks before asking someone out. Wait till I liked some girl, she liked me whatever. But I'll just move it up. [out loud] Hi.
Girl #1: Oh. Hey, Stain.
Malcolm: What?
Boy #1: Hey, Stain.
Boy #2: Stain.
Reese: [to Malcolm] Thank you.
Girl #2: Hey, Stain.
Girl #3: Yo, Stain, what's up?
Malcolm: Don't pass out. Breathe in through your nose. You can pull this out. [shouts] Will you be my girlfriend? [laughter]

Hal: How's it going?
Lois: Look, every bulletin is lined up perfectly with the one next to it and the one above and below. Thumbtacks just bring out this side in me.
Hal: [chuckling] Very nice.
Lois: You know, it's weird being back in high school. But it's kind of fun, too.
Hal: Brings back memories.
Lois: Yeah. Does it?
Hal: Yeah.
Mr. Herkabe: Well! What have we here? Have you finished cleaning up the cigarette butts on the football field?
Hal: I'll get to it.
Mr. Herkabe: You know, we alone determine how much we get out of any given experience.
Hal: I said, I'll get to it. [Herkabe walks off] Jerkabe.
Lois: You're so bad.
Hal: Am I?
Lois: What's that look? You're dreaming. Forget it. Don't be stupid. There are too many people around. We'd get caught for sure. It wouldn't be fun. It wouldn't be comfortable. There's no good place. This utility closet will be locked for sure. [door opens] There's no room for two people in here.

Hal: Mr. Herkabe! Mr. Herkabe, uh, listen, uh, I've spent the last half hour thinking, and, uh, now that I've had a chance to cool off, I-I just wanted to apologize for earlier.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh?
Hal: Yeah. I mean, you were just doing your job.
Mr. Herkabe: Well, your apology is noted and not accepted.
Hal: What?! Come on, I said I was sorry.
Mr. Herkabe: Well, it's a little late for that. You're hereby expelled from the program!
Hal: What?!
Mr. Herkabe: Remove yourself from school property immediately. Good day, sir.

Dewey: [on the phone] [sotto voice] I want it delivered at 3:00. I don't mean on the truck at 3:00. I mean here at 3:00. Not 3:05. Not 3:10. 3:00. Good. My son will sign for it.

Lloyd: We don't mean to inflict ourselves on you, but there's no other places.
Cynthia: Look, we know you've had a rough couple of days, but things are about to get better.
Stevie: We joined... the chess club.
Lloyd: They love geniuses! I was voted king.
Dabney: I'm the queen, which is actually the more powerful position.
Kevin: And they're excited to meet you, too. I told them your opinion on the Luzhin defense. It raised a few eyebrows, but you're as good as in.

Malcolm: I don't deserve you guys. I'm sorry I ignored you, and I appreciate the gesture, but you're really better off without me.
Cynthia: Oh, come on. Will you get off this sulking thing? Since when do you care what other people think of you?
Malcolm: Cynthia, don't do this.
Cynthia: Malcolm, you hate everyone. To you, everyone's either a moron or a creep or a poseur. Why do you suddenly care about their opinion of you?
Malcolm: Because I'm shallow, okay? I want them to like me.
Lloyd: It's not so bad, Malcolm. It's only the first week. You have, like, four years of high school left.
Malcolm: It's okay. I spent three years being a Krelboyne. I can spend four years being a joke.
Cynthia: Malcolm, you're not a joke.
Boy #1: Hey, Stainalator!
Boy #2: Bruce Spring-stain.