Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.

Reese: This thing's an open casket, right?
Malcolm: I think so. Why?
Reese: Because I'm going to stash this with Aunt Helen.
Malcolm: What is that?
Reese: It's a Mighty Man. Mom and Dad had it in their closet for some reason.
Malcolm: It's Dewey's birthday next week. This is his present.
Reese: Oh.
Malcolm: What'd you do to it?
Reese: I stomped on it.
Malcolm: Why would you do that?
Reese: Look, I don't know why I do the things I do. I just know I don't want to get caught. That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend.
Malcolm: You're going to bury that with her? You are so dead.
Reese: Hey, I watch lawyer shows. Mom will think I did it but she can't prove it without this. It's in the Constitution: No evidence, no conviction. E pluribus unum.

Francis: [on the phone] How did she die?
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Could you please put Mom or Dad on the phone.
Hal: [takes phone] Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.

Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do" right before he steals a loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No! It's on A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No, I-I said I didn't, and then you said... It was Thursday, and...

Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow and I haven't even started reading it. [to camera] Standard technique: You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So, what's the report on?
Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to camera] Ooh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose if it's school work...
Malcolm: [to camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois: Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
Dewey: Uh-huh.
Lois: Who is he?
Dewey: I don't know.
Hal: What's your name, son?
Egg: [inaudible]
Hal: Did he say Greg?
Lois: I thought he said Craig.
Dewey: His name is Egg.
Hal: Egg?
Dewey: I named him.
Lois: Well, you can't keep him. He needs to go home, okay?
Dewey: Okay.

Lois: [on the phone] Look, Francis I guess I get scattered. You know, sometimes I forget what I told you and you're not here so-
Francis: I'm not there because you sent me away. I swear, I'm not even a part of this family anymore.
Lois: Francis, it's very important that you understand that is not true. But I don't have time right now.
Francis: I understand. It's not like it's a matter of life and death. Oh, wait, it is! Anyone else die in the last five minutes I should know about?
Lois: Francis, you wanna know everything that's been happening? Your father mowed the lawn, Reese polished off all the cereal, and I dropped a frying pan on my foot and I got a big black toe. You want me to send a picture? [cutlery clatters] Egg! Cut it out!
Francis: Who is Egg?
Lois: Oh, he's a new boy in the house.
Francis: What?!

Reese: Why are you taking so long? Let's go.
Malcolm: Reese, listen. I know it sounds crazy but I need you to hit me. [Reese punches Malcolm in the stomach] You idiot! In the eye!
Reese: And leave a mark for Mom to see? Forget it. No bruises, no evidence... no crime.
Malcolm: [to camera] I guess we move on to plan B: lying.

Lois: [sighs] Did you call that girl?
Malcolm: Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who took care of me every day after school - had to die and inconvenience your social life. [walks away]
Malcolm: [to camera] She does it on purpose. I could have made up a million different escape plans but now my brain is filled with mom guilt.

Lois: Hal, you have to get ready. Why are you still messing around with those record albums?
Hal: I thought I was going to spend today in the garage listening to them on my quadraphonic but now that we're going to the funeral, I have to reseal the shrink wrap.
Lois: Hal!
Hal: It's all right. I have to get my speech ready, anyway.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: [scoffs] I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you they're looking at you.
Hal: To, at... what's the difference?