Lois: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Hey, Mom, I'm just warning you someone claiming to be the Commandant might call you. It's this guy down the hall. Play along and pretend you believe him. He's totally harmless.
Lois: Francis, I really can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
Francis: Aunt Helen died?
Lois: Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.
Francis: Well, when did she die? Mom, why didn't anybody tell me?
Lois: Well, honey, we didn't want to have to worry you over nothing.
Francis: Nothing? She's dead. How's Uncle Fred taking it?
Lois: Well, I don't think he's thought too much about it. He died two months ago.
Francis: What?!
Lois: Francis, I'm sorry. I really have to go. Here, talk to your brother. [hands phone to Egg]

Hal: Hi, honey. I finally found my joke cards. They were behind the water heater.
Lois: Really?
Hal: Hey, how's this? "A priest, a rabbi and Uncle Fred are..." Now, Aunt Helen. "...are playing golf with Saint Peter."
Lois: Hal, please.
Hal: Have you seen my pun file? It's in a box marked "laughter thoughts." Laughter thoughts?

Malcolm: Mom, I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.
Malcolm: [to camera] You know, I'm trying to be there for Mom but the annoyances are starting to outweigh the guilt. I'm this close to sneaking out of the whole thing.
Lois: Well, I suppose you're entitled to complain. After all, it's only my Aunt Helen.
Malcolm: [to camera] What is she, a mind reader?

Dewey: [on the phone] And then there were ants on her bones and the police came.

Malcolm: Dad, listen-
Hal: Can you think of anything that rhymes with cadaver?

Julie: [on the phone] So, your aunt's not dead?
Malcolm: No. It turned out to be one of those comas where they think you're dead and they put you on the embalmer's table and you wake up at the last second. It was a close call.
Julie: Uh, okay. I guess we'll pick you up at 2:00.
Malcolm: Great. [hangs up] [to camera] I figure I'll commit to it first and come up with a plan later. I always think better under pressure. Or is it when I'm not under pressure? Oh, well. Too late now.

Malcolm: Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral. There's no reason for me to go and I want to go to the concert with Julie!
Reese: Let's go. Let's go! I'll be waiting in the car.
Lois: Malcolm I am ashamed of you. Wanting to deny your poor Aunt Helen her due.
Malcolm: No, that won't work on me because I know you didn't love Aunt Helen. You hated her!
Lois: 'Course I hated her. What does that have to do with anything?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Malcolm, this isn't about love. It's about family. We have a duty to this family and we are darn well going to do it.
Malcolm: But why? It's not fair. You can't just stick the word "family" in front of something and turn everyone else into slaves. It makes no sense. No one liked this woman so why do we have to pretend like we did now? What good will it do anybody?
Lois: Hal?
Hal: I got nothing.

Lois: I could really use some support here.
Hal: Excuse me? I am being incredibly supportive. I'm giving up my entire day for this- this thing and you don't hear me complaining. [car horn honks]
Lois: Hal, it was a bunch of old record albums. It's not like you're not giving up something important.
Hal: Well, they're important to me.
Lois: [sighs] You- You people. I can't believe you. I asked you to do one thing that-
Francis: [on the phone] You're not asking; you're ordering. [Lois slams the phone against the counter]
Lois: After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people and the one time I ask you for something - something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for - and all I get are complaints! [car horn honks]
Hal: Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or- or cruising around on my hog?
Lois: What hog?
Hal: Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?! [Lois sighs] Where do you think you're going?
Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want and I want to take a bubble bath!
Hal: Fine!
Malcolm: So, that's a "yes" on the concert?

Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yes, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun. Now, get out of here. This is me time.

Malcolm: Hey, Reese, which one stinks more? [Reese kicks the garbage can] What's your problem?
Reese: You couldn't keep your big mouth shut until after the funeral. Now I have to wait for another relative to die to bury this thing. It could be weeks.
Malcolm: You'll think of something.
Reese: No, I won't. You have good ideas all the time, but for me, this was special.
Malcolm: Hey! You can't leave this mess here. I've got a guest coming over.
Reese: Too bad. Thanks to you, no one has to do anything anymore. It's anarchy, baby. That's the word, right?