‘Funeral’
Season 1, Episode 11 - Aired April 9, 2000
As the family get ready to attend Lois's aunt's funeral, Malcolm tries to get out of it so he can spend the afternoon with a girl from school.
Quote from Francis
Malcolm: [on the phone] Then she slid into the trash and ran off. I swear, this whole family is falling apart.
Francis: Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their scapegoat around so everything goes to hell. No one realized that I'm the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves.
Malcolm: A scapegoat. Thanks.
Francis: Mom thinks- [phone beeps]
Malcolm: [to camera] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
Quote from Lois
Hal: Aunt Helen used to say [raspy-voiced] "Oh, you're going to miss me when I'm gone. And, uh, by the looks of today's turnout I could see it wasn't just an idle threat.
Lois: [on a cell phone] Yeah, Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Man: Can I get my phone back?
Lois: I'm almost done, sweetie. [on cell phone] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely. [Reese turns away from facing the wall] You turn right back around, mister! You'll never guess what Reese did.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] Well, it's been a pretty productive day. I made Julie Houlerman hate me. Reese is going to kill me the second we get home. And right now Aunt Helen is personally bad-mouthing me to God. [to old man with oxygen tank] You want some more water, Uncle Louie?
Uncle Louie: Sure.
Malcolm: [to camera] I need someone to put in a good word for me.