Hal Quote #58
Lois: Hal, you have to get ready. Why are you still messing around with those record albums?
Hal: I thought I was going to spend today in the garage listening to them on my quadraphonic but now that we're going to the funeral, I have to reseal the shrink wrap.
Lois: Hal!
Hal: It's all right. I have to get my speech ready, anyway.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: [scoffs] I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you they're looking at you.
Hal: To, at... what's the difference?
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Funeral’ Quotes
Quote from Hal
Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
Quote from Reese
Reese: This thing's an open casket, right?
Malcolm: I think so. Why?
Reese: Because I'm going to stash this with Aunt Helen.
Malcolm: What is that?
Reese: It's a Mighty Man. Mom and Dad had it in their closet for some reason.
Malcolm: It's Dewey's birthday next week. This is his present.
Reese: Oh.
Malcolm: What'd you do to it?
Reese: I stomped on it.
Malcolm: Why would you do that?
Reese: Look, I don't know why I do the things I do. I just know I don't want to get caught. That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend.
Malcolm: You're going to bury that with her? You are so dead.
Reese: Hey, I watch lawyer shows. Mom will think I did it but she can't prove it without this. It's in the Constitution: No evidence, no conviction. E pluribus unum.
Quote from Lois
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do" right before he steals a loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No! It's on A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No, I-I said I didn't, and then you said... It was Thursday, and...