Malcolm: Oh, my God.
Stevie: Call... nine... one...

Spangler: Son, what were you thinking?! Stealing 200 frogs from the biology lab and setting them loose on the highway!
Francis: I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.
Spangler: No! Inhumane is sitting in a car for two and a half hours when I live only eight blocks from campus.
Francis: Sir, I didn't mean-
Spangler: I am tired of all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning reveille record with a selection from trip-hop wizard Tricky. Maybe I should just rename this "Francis's 'I didn't mean to' file."
Francis: That would be a bold choice, sir.
Spangler: Glibness. What a surprise. I'm giving you exactly ten seconds to tell me why I shouldn't put you on latrine detail for the rest of this semester.
Francis: Okay. Um... "Why shouldn't I have to clean toilets for the next three months?" It's an intriguing question. Is that a new tie, sir?
Spangler: Four seconds.
Francis: What a beautiful beach. Did you take this, sir? Because you've truly captured your young male friend's... Speedo.
Spangler: That is a picture of me. Now if I were you, I wouldn't try to distract me and... [looks at picture]
Francis: Sir? Sir?
Spangler: Hmm? That'll be all, cadet.

Francis: Look, sir-
Spangler: I have the floor. In the short time that you have been under my care, we have had our share of conflicts. In all my efforts to get through to you, I have tried every method I know how. [removes normal hook]
Francis: And besides mental and physical abuse, sir, exactly which methods would those be?
Spangler: This photo made me realize something. I used to be like you. Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.
Francis: Sir, I-
Spangler: Floor. [attaches pipe-holding hook and smokes] Now, son, you are on the precipice. Now, I am going to tell you a story about my life in the hopes of finally getting you to straighten yourself out. In the coming hours, you are going to hear things that are going to horrify you.
Francis: It sounds illuminating, sir, but I have biology.
Spangler: I've taken the liberty of canceling your next three classes. Son, do you know what a wet nurse is?

Spangler: So there we were - the ocean, my stepfather and me. As the storm raged overhead, he made one final lunge for the rudder. I ripped it from his hands and stared him down. He knew that I was prepared to kill him. I left port that day a 16-year-old boy. I returned a man.
Francis: That was an amazing story, sir. I mean, I was skeptical at first, but we do have something in common. I mean, look at the way both our mothers abandoned us.
Spangler: What are you talking about?
Francis: You know, how I was shipped off here and you were left with your wet nurse for all those years.
Spangler: That story had nothing to do with my mother. It had to do with me finally taking responsibility for my own actions.
Francis: Just sounded like she may have been a little bit distant.
Spangler: Well, that is none of your business. I swear, you are absolutely fixated on mothers.
Francis: I am not fixated.
Spangler: Can you name one thing in your life that you don't blame on your mother?
Francis: Sure. ... Ugh, I'm sorry. I was just giving an opinion.
Spangler: Well, it's that pop psychology nonsense that-
Francis: It is nothing to get defensive about.
Spangler: I am not defensive. Every time anybody denies a lie, they're called defensive.
Francis: Fine. I take it back. Your mother was a saint.
Spangler: I am not saying that at all.

Hal: Boys, this talk is very important, so I need your undivided attention. It's very important that you... [Dewey hears] be bored and squirm a lot. [reality] Now, I want to tell you about what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll try to make this easy for you to understand. Ah. [grabs toys]
Malcolm: [to camera] Aw, man, I still play with that.
Hal: Here we go. There's a certain thing that happens between normal, healthy people. It's called chemistry. [male toy fires gun] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. What does happen is this: "I like you." [falsetto] "I like you, too." [normal voice] And if they love each other and take the proper precautions, they'll have sex. But I've told you about that already.
Dewey: Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers. Now, unfortunately, if the boy is from our family it goes a little more like this: "I like you." "I hate you!" "Now I love you!" "Leave me alone! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me! Look, oh, I'm crazy! Lookit! Ooh! Ooh! Pay attention to me! Look at me! Look at me! I'm crazy! I'm an idiot! I'm an idiot! Watch me crash and burn!" [hooting] There's no explaining it. It's hereditary, and it goes back for generations. Francis has it; so does Uncle Pete. It's why your great grandpa went to work on that oil rig in Peru. All I know is your mother must carry some sort of internal antidote, because, through some fluke, I was lucky enough to get her. I just wanted you boys to know what you were in for.

Malcolm: [to camera] I don't know why Mom makes me get up at 8:00. School doesn't even start till 8:15.

Stevie: What a... geek. I never thought... I'd get... to say that.

Lois: Hal, it's time for the talk.
Hal: I don't know what you mean.
Lois: The talk, Hal.
Hal: Oh, geez, he's a little young, don't you think?
Lois: You waited so long with Francis; look what happened there.
Hal: All right, but if I'm giving the talk, all three boys are getting it at the same time. And I'm not doing it again. So if we have any more kids, they're on their own.

Malcolm: Oh, my God. I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I can wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.

Dewey: Can you buy me a Herbie?
Lois: No, they're too expensive. [Dewey hears:] Maybe. Ask me again in four seconds.
Dewey: Can you buy me a Herbie, please?
Lois: Didn't you just hear me? I said no. [Dewey hears:] Ask louder.