Otto: Why are you so angry at Francis?
Hal: I am not angry at Francis.
Otto: Well, well... you shouldn't be. He is smart, he is capable, he is hardworking and I personally never met anyone more "relibable."
Hal: Yes, now. But I had him for 18 years. I had punished him and threatened him and cried over him and begged him and screamed at him and his life was one train wreck after another. Two months with you and now he's a model citizen.
Otto: And this is what you are so upset about?
Hal: Yes, I think it's pretty obvious. All he needed was his father to get just out of his face so that he could meet someone who knows how to turn his life around.
Otto: Well, if I am such a genius, how come that I am drunk and lost in the desert with a bullet in my ass? Hal, listen to me. Francis had all of his great qualities on the day that I met him. What? What do you think? He just picked them up off the road? "Hello, I would like a Big Gulp and a candy bar and a new personality." No, Hal. Listen to me. Your acorn did not fall very far from your tree.
Hal: So I'm not such a failure as a father?
Otto: Absolutely not. Now, if your crisis is over, my buttocks could use a vigorous rubbing. They are starting to go numb.

Francis: All right, we got some loose gravel coming up so let's keep your horses in line.
Malcolm: How do you know if the one you're on is still alive?
Francis: No one rides fast until you're familiar with the horses. So, let's keep both hands on the reins and keep those helmets on tight.
Reese: What's with Francis?
Malcolm: I don't know. We've been riding for an hour, I can still see the barn.
Reese: Whoa, those look cool. When can we ride those?
Francis: You're not going anywhere near those.
Malcolm: What? Why not?
Francis: Because I know you guys and I don't want to take a day off work just to peel your carcasses out of a barbwire fence. Why don't you guys just and relax and enjoy the scenery? You seem to be the only riders having a problem.

Malcolm: Our dad signed the permission slip for the ATVs.
Otto: [to Dewey] Mmm. You don't look 16 to me.
Reese: It's a glandular thing. He's very sensitive about how short he is.
Otto: Ooh. Perhaps you are a late bloomer. I had my baby teeth until I was 14. I'll get the keys.

Gretchen: Oh, my God. You broke my doll? How could you be so thoughtless? You promised me you would leave it alone, but it was just a lie. [whimpers]
Francis: All right, boys, go to your room now!
Otto: There, there. We will give him new legs and then he will be all good again, just like cousin Heinrich.

Francis: I don't know what you guys are trying to pull here but you should know I am way ahead of you. What's that?
Malcolm: Looks like a fuse.
Francis: All right, what exactly are you planning?
Malcolm: We're planning to get you back. We want our brother back the way he used to be.
Reese: We know how much you always liked fire, explosions... [hands Francis a lighter]
Francis: Nice try. That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Really?
Francis: So, where does this go?
Malcolm: Well, I suppose you could find out by crawling over the fence and following the fuse or you could find out the Francis way.
Reese: We're sure you'll make the right decision.
Francis: Guys, I'm telling you, things are different now. I'm married, I have responsibilities. I'm just not a 16-year-old maniac anymore who... [lights fuse] Huh, interesting.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dad's taking us to Francis' dude ranch for the weekend. Just the guys. I'm really going to miss my girlfriend Nicki. But then again, it's two days without Mom. I've been in the car since 6:00.

Reese: [honks horn] Come on, Dad! You'll see her Sunday!
[When Hal comes out to the car, his mouth is smeared with lipstick, his hair's ruffled and his shirt isn't properly tucked in]
Hal: I, uh... had to get my coffee.

Hal: Wow!
Otto: Welcome to the Grotto. I'll be with you in one minute.
Hal: No rush. We're just looking for Francis.
Otto: Francis? You are Francis' family?
Hal: Yes, we were just-
[As Otto rings a bell, seemingly every member of staff rushes out into the foyer]
Otto: Welcome, family of Francis. I am Otto, and this is Gretchen.
Gretchen: We have dreamed for months of meeting you and now finally you are here. And look at beautiful liebling!

Gretchen: [to Dewey] Aren't they wonderful? They are Hopi Indian kachina dolls. Now, according to legend, he tracks down misbehaving children und chews up their bones so no one will ever find them again. Mythology is so much fun, don't you think? [Dewey goes to grab one] Oh, no, no. No. They are far too valuable. You mustn't touch them. Can I trust you?
Dewey: I don't see why not.

Man: Hey, fellas, what can I do for you?
Malcolm: Um, we're looking for some sparklers. And do you have any of those things called pinwheels?
Man: Sure do. Also got some lady fingers. [a customer drives away]
Reese: Okay, let's start with 18 genies, two dozen gel-ignited pomegranates, and a case of devil dragons.
Man: We're out of the 99s, you want 44s at half price?
Malcolm: 44s are worthless. Make it six packs of red dogs with time-delay fuses.
Man: Powder or aluminum phosphate?
Reese: Who do you think you're dealing with?
Malcolm: One last thing. We're planning an event for a friend. You got anything that will make it really special?
Man: Depends on how much you're willing to spend.
Reese: Why don't you let my dad worry about that?
Man: Boys, I'd like to introduce you to the Komodo 3000.
Reese: Oh, yeah. This will get him back.