Marshall: Guys, this is not an uncommon thing, okay? In Thailand, in China, in Costa Rica, people get mugged by monkeys all the time. Monkeys are gatherers. Because of their inter-social dynamics, having a predisposition towards stealing gives one a genetic advantage.
Lily: You were mugged by a monkey.
Ted: Maybe he was just curious. Were you wearing a yellow hat?

Robin: Marshall, in all seriousness, this is a great story. I mean, can I interview you about it on my show?
Ted: What? He gets to be on your show? What about my model?
Robin: No one wants to see a guy come on my show and play with dolls.
Ted: Okay, first of all, that is not what it is. And second of all, you just had a guy on your show playing with dolls.
[flashback to Robin's news show:]
Robin: So, your dolls are favored to win at the Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month.
Man: Only if they behave themselves. Last year, I found one of them cavorting with a G.I. Joe. [Robin laughs] It's not funny. [to the doll] What were you thinking? What if you'd gotten pregnant?
[present:]
Ted: And you invited him back for a follow-up interview!
Robin: Only because the FBI asked us to keep him occupied while they searched his house.

Robin: Come on, Marshall, I need the story. It's got everything. Crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the Empire State Building that takes up my entire living room and makes the whole place smell like glue.

Barney: [enters] Oh, my God! I just got mugged!
Ted: What?
Barney: Is what I was saying to this girl at the bar earlier.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's:]
Barney: It was completely terrifying. I just want to forget this ever happened and try to move on with my life.
Lisa: Oh, you poor thing.
Sarah: Neil? Neil?
Barney: I...
Sarah: Neil?
Barney: I...
Sarah: Neil!
Barney: Lady, my name's not Neil. It's Ba... [gagging]
Lisa: Why are you calling him Neil?
Sarah: Because that's his name. He's Neil Armstrong.
Lisa: The cyclist?
Sarah: I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission.
Lisa: I thought you just got mugged.
Barney: Okay, I can do this. You see, I was on my way to the launch pad when I was mugged. And the mugger
took my space shuttle keys. Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?
Sarah: I am!
Lisa: Me, too!
[present:]
Barney: And it was the best three-way ever.
Ted: Strange, 'cause you look like you just had two vodka tonics thrown in your face.
Marshall: You have lime in your hair.
Barney: The story's better with my ending... Just... Okay? So, there we are, zero gravity. The three of us wearing nothing but space helmets.

Robin: Marshall, you won't believe it. I pitched the monkey mugger story to my producer, and he loves it!
Marshall: Oh! Wow.
Robin: Yeah. Yeah.
Marshall: Really? Cool.
Robin: I mean, who's ever heard of a guy getting mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: No one, except for the good people of Thailand, China, Costa Rica, and plenty of other countries where monkey crime is an extremely common nuisance.

Barney: I think you were mugged by a monkey. You just don't want to go on Robin's show, 'cause you're afraid
it'll make you look like a big joke.
Marshall: Well, won't it?
Barney: The biggest 'cause it's so funny.
Marshall: Well, it never happened, okay? And I can lie to you guys about it, because you're my best friends.
Barney: I am, but go on.

Barney: Well, I'm still saying it happened.
Ted: Maybe. But, Marshall, if you didn't get mugged by a monkey, you can't let Robin report it on her show. I mean, this could hurt her credibility.
Barney: Oh, please. Journalists lie all the time. I'm sorry, but I will believe that Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.

Lily: Man, I slept so great last night. Can you believe I almost bought a gun? I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey.

Robin: What the hell is this?
Ted: I don't know. Looks like something covered by a sheet. Guess if you want to find out, you're gonna have to do a story on it.
Robin: You're gonna be covered by a sheet if you don't get your stupid model out of here.
Barney: Dude, what are you doing?
Ted: I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV. And when he backs out, I want to be there for my friend Robin with a story. Or rather, 102 stories, because that's how tall a certain iconic New York landmark is.
Barney: Now, I want to buy a gun.

Marshall: Whoa, the monkey's here.
Robin: Surprise. We thought it would help the story to bring him here so you could face your attacker.
Zookeeper: Yeah, because of this incident, we will be sending Captain Bobo to a wildlife sanctuary.
Lily: Ooh! I bet he'll like it there.
Zookeeper: No, ma'am. You see, we'll be splitting him up from his mate Milly. They've been together for a long time.
Marshall: His mate's name is Milly?