Marshall: It was completely terrifying.
Barney: "It was completely terrifying."
Marshall: What are you doing?
Barney: I'm rehearsing. I'm gonna pretend this happened to me later to try and get some sympathy sex.
Marshall: Barney, that won't work. Will it?
Lily: Big time.
Marshall: I'll allow it.

Lily: I can't believe someone pointed a gun at my Marshmallow! I'm shaking! I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.
Robin: Aw! Here, sweetie. I have something that will help you sleep.
[All gasp as Robin pulls out a hand gun]
Robin: Just stick this under your pillow. You'll sleep like a freaking baby.
Ted: Robin, put that away!
Robin: It's not gonna hurt anyone. The safety's... [clicks] on.

Marshall: Okay, you know what, let's all just relax. We don't need a gun. I'd just like to forget this ever happened
and try to move on with my life.
Barney: "I'd just like to forget this ever happened, and try to move on with my life." This is great stuff. I think I'm going to add tears, though.
Marshall: [to Lily] Listen, baby, I know that it's scary, but look at me. I'm fine, okay? Can't we just put this behind us?
Barney: That's gold. But I'm gonna switch it to "putting me behind you."

Lily: Baby, you don't have to worry about me. I mean, yes, I'm a little scared. But I'm a New Yorker, I'm not gonna let this change me.
[later, at the shooting range with Robin:]
Lily: I've changed! I'm a gun person now. Clip!
Robin: Yeah, maybe we should just take a break for a little bit.
Robin: [in husky voice] I said, "Clip!"

Marshall: You want to get a gun?
Lily: Not a scary one. Just a cute, little pink Beretta that matches these adorable strappy sandals I just bought. By the way, our new credit card works.
Marshall: You don't need a gun. Every statistic in the world points to the fact that it's safer not to have a gun in the home than to have one. Especially in our home. You know how I'm always accidentally injuring you.

Marshall: Okay, look, I got to admit something. That mugging didn't happen exactly the way that I said it did.
Barney: Aha! So he was wearing a black skull-knit cap! Told you!
Marshall: No, he wasn't wearing a black skull-knit cap. He wasn't wearing anything.
Ted: Wait. So...
[fantasy scene of Marshall being threatened at a gun point by a naked man]
Lily: He naked-muggered you?
Barney: I'm not gonna ask where he was keeping the gun.
Ted: Are we sure it was a gun?

Marshall: No, guys. I was walking home from work, through Central Park, and I stopped at the zoo.
[flashback to Marshall looking at the monkey enclosure:]
Park ranger: Watch it. Don't get any closer.
Marshall: Oh! It's cool. It's cool.
[The monkey pulls on Marshall's jacket and grabs his wallet]
[present:]
Barney: You're telling us...
Ted: That you got mugged...
Marshall: By a monkey. I got mugged by a monkey. [all laugh]

Robin: Hey, guys. What's up?
Barney: Oh! Some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging.
Robin: Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Ted: Well, he's behind bars.
Robin: Well, where did they find him?
Lily: Oh, I'm guessing naked in a tree, throwing his own feces.
Robin: Oh. I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs.
Ted: You know how they caught him, right?
Marshall: There was a tail on him.
Ted: There was a tail on him!

Marshall: All right, Robin, here's what happened.
Barney: No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell it. It's my story. You see, young Marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana.
Marshall: No, I wasn't eating a banana. If you're gonna tell it, tell it right.
Barney: Oh, you're right. The banana was on the ground.
Marshall: There was no banana. There was no... There was no banana.
Barney: Marshall, I apologize. Truly. Robin, here's what happened.
Marshall: There was no banana!

Robin: Come on, Barney. I know Marshall didn't get mugged by a monkey.
Barney: Marshall?
Marshall: That part he got right.