Robin: Marshall, in your own words, describe what happened.
Marshall: Well, I would... I... I would love to tell you what happened, Robin. But... I'm just... I'm so curious as to
what is going on underneath that sheet.
Robin: Well, we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about your mugging.
Marshall: Right. Well, people get mugged in New York City all the time, Robin. But how often do you get to see whatever's under that sheet? Mike, can we get a shot of that?
Robin: We'll be right back.

Robin: What the hell are you doing?
Marshall: Okay, Robin, I wasn't really mugged by a monkey, okay? I just made up that story so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.
Lily: So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: No, what are you talking about, baby? Of course I was mugged by a monkey.
Robin: Great. Tell it to America. We're back in five.
Marshall: No. No. No. Not back in five. I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
Lily: Okay, that's it. I'm getting a gun.
Marshall: No, no. Don't get a gun. I was mugged by a monkey.
Zookeeper: Well, then, Bobo here is going away.
Marshall: Wasn't. I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

Barney: Ted, do you have any idea if Marshall was mugged by a monkey?
Ted: None whatsoever.
Zookeeper: Just tell me, were you or were you not mugged by Captain Bobo?
Lily: Yeah, baby, just tell us what really happened.
Robin: Yeah, Marshall, just tell us the truth. Come on, you promised.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's when Marshall realized there was only one thing he could say.
Marshall: All right. Here's the truth. I... am going back to bed.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that was it. We never found out what really happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet. But we do know this. Aunt Lily never got a gun. Aunt Robin's credibility remained unimpeached. And Bobo and Milly lived out their days together in the Central Park Zoo.

Robin: [sighs] Damn it. All right, Ted, mike up.
Ted: Miked up and made up. Red leather, yellow leather.

Barney: That wasn't very satisfying. When I tell everyone at work this story, I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey. And I'm gonna keep the banana-on-a-string thing. That was working.
Ted: Barney, enough with the lies. You can't just tack on a new ending because you're not satisfied with how a story wraps up.
Barney: Oh, really? Well, mark my words, Mosby. Someday, you'll be telling this story, and you'll see it my way.
Ted: Doubtful.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, kids, you'll never believe what happened.
Mike: The monkey got loose.
Man: He's got one of my dolls!
Park ranger: Bobo, come here, Bobo. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's climbing the building. Bobo, come here.
Ted: Is this really happening?
Barney: Sure is, Ted.
Future Ted: True story.

Barney: You got mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: Yep. I got mugged by a monkey. I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story. But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.
Lily: [laughing] Oh, forget about the gun. We're on this now.
Ted: Wow, monkeys are mugging people now? It really is a jungle out there.
Lily: Oh, my God. That monkey has our address. What if he's in a gang? I hope he doesn't do a swing by.
Barney: Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back?
Marshall: 'Cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it, and I didn't really want it after that.