Ted: Oh, my God, what happened?
Jeanette: Oh, I trashed your apartment. See, I got bored, so I started going through all your e-mails.
Ted: Sure.
Jeanette: And I found one from a woman with the subject line, "big penis orgasms," so naturally, I smashed your plates, knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers, the whole nine, but then, while I was upper-decking your toilet, I actually read the e-mail. Turns out it was spam. Classic Jeanette, huh?
Ted: Oh, my God. You are certifiably insane... about me. Come here, you knucklehead.
Jeanette: Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you. You're just so intense, and it's all moving way too fast. Here's your key back.
Ted: I never gave you a key.
Jeanette: And here's your grandmother's ring.
Ted: She was buried wearing this.

Marshall: Hey. I'm so sorry. I decided to grab a snack from the bodega.
Lily: Why? They'll have food at the gallery.
Marshall: Oh, come on, these places never have food. It's fine. I got some Skittles.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the last bag of Skittles your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.

Marshall: Lil, I'll be fine. Do you know who you're talking to? In high school, I was voted most outgoing freshman, sophomore and senior year.
Lily: What happened junior year?
Marshall: Egdud Ferhaki, that outgoing son of a bitch.
Lily: He beat you for most outgoing?
Marshall: Huh? Oh, no, we tied. Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here.

Ted: Fireworks?
Barney: Yeah. Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight.
[Ted holds up a photograph of Barack Obama which reads "Dad" and a newspaper with the headline "World Going to End: Have Sex Now!"]
Barney: Everything.

Barney: All right, here's how this is going down. You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone. I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say, so just stay focused and you'll be fine.
Ted: Which play are we gonna run first? How about the "Weekend at Barney's"?
Barney: [chuckles] Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon, and you want to do a cut and color?

[title: "The Special Delivery". Ted enters MacLaren's holding a package and wearing a courier uniform]
Barney: [over ear piece] Ice Man to Neruda. Ice Man to Neruda. Bogey at 10:00, and she is packing two fully-operational sweater stretchers. That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra. Possible delta cups.
Ted: Copy that. Engaging target. Over.
Barney: Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Ted: Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Barney: Are you Lisa?
Ted: Are you Lisa?
Woman: Uh, no.
Barney: But you must be. I was told to...
Ted: deliver this package to a girl named Lisa, and that I'd recognize her because she'd be...
Barney: The most beautiful girl in this bar.
Ted: So, here's your delivery, Lisa.
Woman: Uh, I am definitely not Lisa, but I would be happy to help you find her.
Barney: Great, and then maybe later...
Ted: I could give you a different package... my penis.
[The woman storms out]
Ted: That is a terrible line!

[title: "The Kidney". Ted is in MacLaren's in a hospital gown:]
Ted: I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital without changing into their clothes first. Over.
Barney: [over ear piece] Ted, this is my thing. So just... okay? Over. Okay? Over.
Woman: Are you all right?
Ted: What? Oh. Yes, yes, I'm fine. Tomorrow, I'm donating a kidney to my best friend. My best friend Barney. Not Marshall. Barney. Marshall's so lame. Anyway, just wanted to grab one last drink, in case, you know, I don't make it.
Woman: You are so brave.
Ted: Hey, listen. Before I give my best friend this organ, how about... Nope. Nope, I'm not saying that. I did hear you, but I'm not saying that. Because I'm not.
Woman: Are you okay?
Ted: One second. I know you put a lot of work into this. I understand that. I understand that. I understand that. [long pause] I understand that. Why can't I just talk to her? Maybe we'll hit it off... Fine. Copy that. How about I give you a different organ? My penis.
[The woman throws a drink in Ted's face]
Barney: You said it wrong.
Ted: I did not say it wrong!

[title: The "I Have a Pet Loch Nes Monster":]
Barney: [over ear piece] Okay, Neruda, this play is extremely complicated.
Ted: Let me guess. Does it involve me saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent?
Barney: [Scottish accent] Now you're gettin' it, laddie!

Marshall: I'm so sorry, sweetie. I don't know if you heard, but I dropped some Skittles. Do you know what, I'm just gonna go home before I make things worse.
Lily: You're not going anywhere. We're a team. You stuck by me after my nip slip at your law school graduation. And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party. And after my nip slip at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day.
Marshall: I don't know why you keep wearing that top.

Ted: And just like that, it was over. I texted Barney and Robin. I'm sure they're over the moon that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding.
Lily: Oh, no, Ted, no. They're not gonna be happy about you being sad.
[elsewhere, Barney and Robin jump on their bed as they pop open a bottle of champagne:]
Robin: They broke up!