Marshall: Ted, respectfully, are you sure that this was the right girl for you?
Ted: Of course not. She was crazy. Absolutely a nightmare. It's totally not worth the trouble. I mean, no matter how... no matter how great the sex was.
Marshall: Uh-oh.
Lily: Stay with us, buddy.
Ted: No matter how hot and passionate and surprising, possibly illegal...
Lily: I don't like this.
Marshall: Me, neither.
Ted: I'm gonna win her back. Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy.
[elsewhere, Barney comforts Robin as she weeps:]
Barney: I know. I know.
Robin: Did you just unhook my bra?
Barney: Shh. There, there.

Barney: Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong. That's just from Pilates?
Ted: Twice a week.

Lily: Are you gonna be okay by yourself for a few minutes?
Marshall: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?
Lily: Well, you're sitting on an $80,000 sculpture.
Marshall: For 80 grand, you'd think it would be more comfortable.

Lily: [inner monologue] This sucks. I can't get near Strickland. At least Marshall's having a good time. Man, he always knows just the right thing to say.
Marshall: For a gay guy, Andy Warhol sure liked cans. [inner monologue] This sucks. Maybe I've lost my charm. No, Marshall, if Lily's gonna make it in this fancy art world, you're gonna have to make it, too, so suck it up, stop sitting on the art, and bust out the "A" material. [out loud] You two keep chugging like that, you're gonna have to Vincent van go to the bathroom, am I right?
Man: It's pronounced van Gogh.
Marshall: [inner monologue] Oh, "blogh" me.

Strickland Stevens: Thank you all so much for coming. If you'll indulge me, I would like to share a story about my dearly departed grandmother.
Marshall: [inner monologue] Oh, God. News flash, Johnny Ascot: Lots of people have dead grandmas. No, Marshall. Don't be bitter. You're here for Lily. Just look at her, so professional. She hasn't sat on a single piece of art. You're gonna ride this thing out with dignity for Lily. Not one more thing that might embarrass her. I will simply stand here. Perfectly invisible.
Strickland Stevens: And so I dedicate this show to my grandmother's memory. Now, please join me in honoring her with 60 seconds of absolute silence.
[As everyone bows their head, the sound of Skittles rattling echoes throughout the space. Marshall keeps staring straight ahead as everyone turns back to look at him.]

Robin: Hey!
Barney: Robin. What are you doing here?
Robin: I was curious as to whether you found Ted a date to our wedding who was a little less, you know, Antichrist-y. Is that the Playbook?
Barney: No, Robin, that is a couch. [long silence] Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch? I can explain.
Robin: Don't bother.

Barney: Robin, wait. Um... shoot. I haven't figured out what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going. Robin, wait. Look, I'm sorry that I still have the Playbook. It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas. Am I supposed to just leave all that behind?
Robin: Yes.
Barney: But... "Weekend at Barney's"!
Robin: Okay, what is that? Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me.
Barney: What's to explain? I play a dead guy, and Ted and Marshall carry me around.
Robin: Okay. And based on that, girls want to sleep with you.
Barney: Big time.
Robin: But you're dead.
Barney: Yeah. Except not really, obviously.
Robin: But the girl thinks you're dead.
Barney: No, she thinks I'm alive.
Robin: Which you are.
Barney: Exactly.
Robin: Except you're dead.
Barney: Exactly.
Robin: Except you're alive.
Barney: Exactly.
Robin: Okay, so instead of... of being an alive person pretending to be a dead person pretending to be an alive person, why not just be an alive person?
Barney: Okay, let's start from the beginning. The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's. My name is Barney.

Marshall: All right, I'll stay put, but I'm keeping my mouth shut. No more jokes, no more candy, no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Strickland Stevens: Hey, are you guys talking Ninja Turtles? I'm a huge TMNT fan. I grew up on those comic books.
Marshall: Me, too! I was obsessed.
Strickland Stevens: Did you know that the original comic debuted in 1984 at a convention in New Hampshire?
Marshall: Uh, yes. Did you know that Eastman and Laird always had their doubts about their characters being commercialized?
Strickland Stevens: Yes! Did you know that the painting on the back wall is inspired by Master Splinter?
Marshall: Oh, the one of the rat doing karate. I see it now.
Strickland Stevens: Hey, I'm Strickland.
Marshall: Hey. Marshall. And this is my wife, Lily, who, as a matter of fact, happens to represent one of the biggest art collectors in New York City.
Lily: I love your work. It's great to see you getting some recognition.
Strickland Stevens: Thank you. It's been a long haul. The first painting I ever sold, I used the money to get my car fixed. You might say... I used it to make my van go. [Lily and Strickland chuckle]

Barney: Um, a little something called rigor mortis? Oh, come on. Are you really this mad about a book?
Robin: You really think that this is just about a book, Barney? You lied to me. If we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me ever.
Barney: Really? Well, that's just great. Because, in case you haven't noticed these last eight years, lying is what I do best. I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock in trade. You don't want me to lie to you?
Lies are the reason that we're together. Everything single thing I did to get you to say yes to me on that rooftop: Patrice, the false engagement, everything... it was all utter malarkey. But underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and... and that's the fact that I love you. And you know that when I say that... I am not lying.
Robin: Did you just unhook my bra again?
Barney: Ssh. Ssh. Ssh.

Ted: Jeanette, this is great. We're back together. You're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling, from here on out, it's gonna be nothing but blue skies and...
Jeanette: What... the hell... is this? [holds up "The Playbook"]