Barney Quote #1569
Kevin: Okay, people are getting rowdy and drunk and breaking things. I know this goes against the Puzzles mission statement you made me memorize, but we gotta raise our drink prices.
Ted: All right, just a little bit so no one will notice.
[Ted changes the $2 drink sign to $3]
Frat Boy: Poodles sucks!
Marshall: [v.o.] And that's when the night turned to absolute crap.
[montage of things being broken, Barney being slapped, Ted's book taking a dart, fights, people vomiting, and the price of beer being raised again and again:]
Ted & Barney: [singing] At Puzzles, we all fit together On sunny days or stormy weather So pull up a chair and sit for a spell There's laughter to share and stories to tell Puzzles is a place where everyone feels at home
Barney: And we bang chicks in Ted's room.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Oh, check it out. We worked out a theme song for Puzzles.
Kevin: While I was carrying 100-pound kegs up four flights of stairs? Awesome.
[Ted plays a Cheers-like song on the piano as he and Barney sing:]
Ted: Puzzles is a place where people go To feel like they belong
Barney: Gonna take advantage of dumb drunk girls
Ted: No, we're not. That would be wrong A place where wit and wisdom bloom
Barney: A place to bang chicks in Ted's room
Ted: Not gonna happen.
Barney: We'll talk about it.
Both: At Puzzles, we all fit together
Kevin: And I'm the bartender!
Quote from Ted
Ted: You'd all be better off coming upstairs to my place for a beer.
Man: Hey, dude. You serious?
Barney: Ted, do you remember a couple years ago, we had the best idea of all time?
Ted: We should buy a bar.
Barney: Of course! We could buy a bar! The name of our bar? Puzzles. People will be like, "Why is it called Puzzles?" That's the puzzle.
Ted: A bar where no one's overcharged, where everyone feels valued and respected.
Barney: A bar... where we get chicks drunk and bang them.
Ted: We're opening Puzzles tonight.
Barney: Of course we're opening Puzzles tonight!
Ted: Aren't you going to ask us why it's called Puzzles?
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.