Marshall: I hope Lily's okay.
Barney: Okay. You know, that's it, bro. We're both turnin' off our phones for one hour.
Marshall: Motion denied.
Barney: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal: You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we - and by we, I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talkin' needing subtitles when you speak drunk. If you can give me that... I will wear this.
Marshall: The- The ducky tie? I thought you threw that thing away.
Barney: I did. It came back.

Future Ted: [v.o.] In May of 2012, Marshall and Lily hosted a baby shower in the apartment. All their friends were there. So, of course, I made sure to show up exactly three hours late.
Ted: Oh, no. Am I late?
Lily: Little bit.
Ted: Oh, I 'm so sorry. I would have gotten here earlier. It's just, um...
Lily: You didn't want to see Robin.
Ted: I didn't want to see Robin. I know, it's childish. She's not here, is she?
Lily: Actually...
[flashback to the morning:]
Robin: Oh, no. Am I early?
Lily: Little bit.

Ted: Whoa. She got you the red stroller? Looks like I just blew her out of the water.
Lily: Anyway, she left before the party started.
Ted: Ah. I'm really sorry. I just think it's best if Robin and l don't see each other for a while.
Lily: Ted, it's fine. I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want, as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Ted: I mean I'm not seeing anyone. I'm just trying to get Robin out of my head.
Barney: You need a palate cleanser.
Ted: Barney, please don't try to set me up with Quinn's stripper friends.
Barney: I wouldn't dream of it.
Ted: Why not? How many hints do I have to drop?

Ted: Barney, I don't need you to help me find a girl online.
Barney: Exactly, because I've already done it. Three girls, in fact. I scoured the dating sites using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success rate of 83-
Ted: You picked the girls that showed the most boob.
Barney: My methods get results. Go out with these three girls and your palate is going to be so cleansed, you will see your reflection in it. And when you do... you can fix the hair, because... Have you seen yourself?
Ted: No. But you know what I have seen? Your stripper girlfriend's cans.
Both: Wow.
Ted: That was going way too far, wasn't it? I'm sorry. My condolences. [high-fives Barney]

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, I went out with the first girl Barney picked for me. There was just one problem.
Ted: Your name is Robin?
Robyn: Yeah. With a "Y."
Ted: Oh, "Yobin. "
Robyn: No, Robyn. I go by "Scotch and Gun Lover" in my online profile, 'cause those are my two favorite things. Well, next to Canada, my home and native land.
Ted: Oh. Canada.
Future Ted: And just like that... Robyn became Robin.
Robin: How's it goin', Ted?

Marshall: Oh, good. Hey, look, Mommy's back from the bar. Now I can finally take a shower.
Lily: This diaper smells. I don't want to know. Okay, Marshall, sit down. We need to talk. Look, I know you mean well but we have five weeks till the due date. Can't we use this time to just relax? We'll figure out how all this stuff works after the baby comes.
Marshall: After the baby comes?
Lily: Yeah, we'll learn on the job.
Marshall: Learn on the jo- Huh. Wow. You know, Lily, maybe the crisis here isn't that I'm not ready to be a dad. Maybe it's that you're not ready to be a mom.
Lily: Excuse me?

Future Ted: [v.o.] With that, an argument began... the details of which are still hotly debated to this day. For instance, Uncle Marshall swears he never said...
Marshall: I 'm the only one making sacrifices for this baby.
Lily: What?
Future Ted: And he claims he never actually uttered the words...
Marshall: It's like you don't even know that you're pregnant.
Future Ted: While Lily insists this part was exaggerated.
Lily: Babies are easy. You just watch 'em be cute and feed 'em spaghetti.
Future Ted: But everyone agrees this is how the argument ended.
Lily: Marshall, what I need now is some peace, some quiet and, now that it's out there, some spaghetti. Now please help me off the couch so I can storm out. Huh!

Goth woman: I gaze out into the world and all I see is an icy place where dreams die. Ooh, lasagna.
[Ted suddenly sees Robin instead]
Robin: How's it goin', Ted?
Ted: What? No! What- Wha- Why?
Robin: Remember? I made lasagna that one time.
Ted: That's all it takes? It wasn't even lasagna. You took your botched kugel and poured tomato sauce on it.
Robin: I didn't say it was good lasagna. By the way, what are you doing with this girl? With tattoos all up and down her arms and everywhere else. Hello. Good gravy. Does that dragon's tail go all the way down to her... Oh, yes, it does.

Quinn: "So in summation, I'm very, very sorry. I guess I just wanted you all to myself... and then I thought of all the creepy guys groping at your- Okay, I'm getting mad again, so I'm going to stop writing now. Please enjoy these chocolates. May contain peanuts."
Barney: Kiss and make up? [they kiss] Have sex up against the window and make up?
Quinn: Well, you do have a great view.
Barney: Well, funny you should mention that. It's your view.
Quinn: Come again for Big Fudge?