Mark: What are you doing? [Tim hits his head on the hood]
Randy: I thought Mom said not to touch her car.
Tim: She'll be glad I did. I'm just checking out the wire, making sure there's no loose connections.
Brad: You're hotwiring Mom's car, aren't you?
Tim: I'm bypassing the ignition.
Randy: What kind of a twisted human being hotwires his wife's car?
Tim: You guys are old enough to know the truth. Your father is a sick, sick man.

Randy: So, you're saying I might still have a chance with Lauren.
Jill: Honey, if there's hope for me to cook a decent meal, there's hope for you and Lauren.
Randy: So, you're saying there's no hope?
Jill: All right, all right. Try this. Come on.
Randy: Wow. That's... That's fantastic. It tastes like food.

Mark: My contact lens has to be around here somewhere.
Brad: Way to go, Mark. The contact has spent more time on the floor than it has in your eyes.
Tim: Anybody home? Hey, guys.
Boys: Hey, Dad.
Tim: Well... I don't care what you're playing, but I'm in. [drops to the floor]
Randy: It's called "Looking for Mark's Contact."
Tim: How do you play?
Randy: You look for Mark's contact.
Tim: OK. Whose turn?
Brad: OK, Dad. It's yours. OK, one, two three... go!
Mark: Wait, I found it! It was in my eye the whole time.
Tim: Well, if you're gonna cheat...

Jill: Guys, when it's snowing you're supposed to come in through the garage, not track it all over the house. When did it start snowing?
Brad: A few hours ago. Mom, didn't you notice the blizzard?
Jill: No. I was inside painting all day while the rest of my family was out having fun.
Brad: Where's the hot rod?
Jill: The hot rod.
Brad: Yeah. You know, the thing Dad kisses every night before he goes to bed.
Jill: Oh, my God! I left it outside.
Randy: Well, you covered it, right?
Jill: Wrong. [opens the garage door]
Randy: It's covered now.

Al: What is becoming of Al Borland? I mean, is my sensitivity being obliterated by my overwhelming masculinity?
Lisa: I don't think so, Al.

Wilson: Tim, I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
Tim: And I like rebuilding, boy. Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
Wilson: That's because you have an edifice complex. [laughs] Oh, my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes. But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman, and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Tim: Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.

Tim: Horrible day today.
Jill: Really? What happened?
Tim: Get this. Bud's handed Tool Time over to some hotshot young producer who wants me to stage explosions. He wants more danger on Tool Time.
Jill: More danger? You already have higher insurance rates than the Knievel family.