Harry: Guys! Guys! Hey, hey, hey! I'm trying to run a business here! You know, people come in here and buy things? Or at least they used to. OK, OK, OK! If you two don't stop acting like babies, I'm gonna ask you both to leave.
Tim: Leave?
Marty: You mean you're throwing us out?
Benny: I believe that was the gist of his drift.
Tim: No one's ever kicked me out of a hardware store before.
Marty: Yeah, me neither.
Tim: I've been kicked out of school, church...
Marty: My own house.
Both: Girls' locker room.
Marty: Wow, we've been kicked out of a lot of places.
Tim: Never a hardware store.
Marty: I think this time we went too far.

Marty: Hey, Tim, pass me the potato chips, would ya?
Tim: Do I look like a waiter to you?
Marty: Forget the chips. Got any nuts?

Tim: Hey, slow down, big fella. That's the third diet ginger ale you've had.
Harry: This is a first. The groom's gonna end up the designated driver.
Benny: Come on, Al! This is your last night as a free man. Have a real drink.
Al: You know, you're right. It's time to throw caution to the wind and sow my wild oats!
Benny: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah, right.
Marty: Or, in your case, wild oat bran.

Tim: How's it going in the church?
Marty: Uh, pretty good. Heidi got her hoop skirt caught in the communion rail. All the guys are lining up to help her get untangled.
Benny: And even worse, Al's mother's starting to pace.
Tim: I thought I felt the foundation shaking.
Marty: I had better get back, uh... ...Harry's holding my place in line.

Marty: Hey, Jeff. Tim's here. And if I were you, I'd put on a hat.

Jeff: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Where's your date?
Jeff: Right here.
Tim: Whoo-hee! And what a looker!
Jeff: Well, my date stood me up, so I figured I'd treat my little brother.
Marty: Yeah. He said if I'm good, he'd buy me a Sno-Cone.
Tim: Uh, I'd like to talk to Jeff in private. Go stick my finger in your back seat.
Marty: You make it sound so dirty.

Marty: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Marty. Glad you're open. Now I don't have to go downtown to score that bag of wood screws.
Marty: Yeah. Uh... Harry's been looking for a night watchman, you know? And, I mean, I'm just kind of giving him a hand.
Tim: Intimidating uniform.
Marty: You should've seen me before I put the shorts on.

Jill: So what's going on?
Marty: Well, first I want to say thanks for everything. But we don't want to impose anymore. I'm gonna move the girls back in with their mom.
Jill: You don't have to do that. We love having you here.
Marty: We don't want to overstay our welcome.
Tim: You're not overstaying your welcome.
Marty: Well, I think it's a problem.
Tim: Really, it's not a problem.
Marty: Yeah, but it is with me, okay? So I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna pack their bags.
Tim: Marty, you don't have anyplace else to go.
Marty: Well, then, I'll figure something out.

Tim: The way you ran out of my house, I didn't even want to come talk to you, but Mom said it's Thanksgiving and we should just clear the air.
Marty: Look, I'm not really comfortable talking about this, okay?
Tim: Oh, yeah, right. Like I'm real comfortable talking about another man's feelings. What's going on with you?
Marty: There's nothing going on with me. Okay? That's the point. I work 60 hours a week, all I got to show for it is a case of shrimp forks.
Tim: You're going through a rough stretch, that's all.
Marty: Oh, I've been going through a rough stretch for 33 years. I mean, come on, I've worked with so many jerks over the years, I'm lucky I don't have a chip on my shoulder.
Tim: You've probably got your hands full with that bug up your butt.

Marty: Okay, so I'm a little bitter. I mean, it's easy for you to say. You've always been successful.
Tim: Easy for me to say? Martin, how about when Dad died? Was it easy for me taking care of everybody? How about working two jobs to get through college? How about raising three kids on a junior salesman's salary, huh?
Marty: Oh, well. Obviously, you can handle it and I can't!
Tim: That's not what I was saying.
Marty: No, you're more successful at your marriage!
Tim: I wasn't saying that, Marty!
Marty: You're more successful at your career.
Tim: Marty.
Marty: Now I find out you're better at raising my kids.