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‘The One with the Baby on the Bus’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus

206. The One with the Baby on the Bus

Aired November 2, 1995

When Monica's pie gives Ross an allergic reaction, he is rushed to the hospital and leaves Ben in the care of Chandler and Joey. As they try to make the most of the baby's appeal to women, they accidentally leave him on a bus. Meanwhile, Phoebe is outraged when Central Perk hires a professional musician.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, Rach, you want to hear the song I'm singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I'm in the shower, And I'm writing a song, Stop me if you've heard it, My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget.

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Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: But, I mean, come on. You cannot do this to her. I have to do this to her?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, As needed.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine!
Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
Rachel: Of course I clean it. I mean, I will clean it. I mean, I will clean it.

Quote from Phoebe

Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?
Phoebe: No, no. I'm sorry, it's: [singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Stephanie: Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Phoebe: Better! Much better. Good. And you know, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Phoebe: You want to try it again?
Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?
Phoebe: Okay, there is no "top," all right? That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat." Why don't you just follow me?
Phoebe and Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing together] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, It's not your fault-
Phoebe: Okay, that's too much. Sorry.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Cranky Pants.
Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky Pants. Lovely girl. Kind of moody.

Quote from Ross

Joey: You okay, Ross?
Ross: I don't know. What's in this pie?
Monica: I don't know. Butter and eggs and flour and lime and kiwi-
Ross: Kiwi? Kiwi?! You said it was a key lime pie.
Monica: No, I didn't. I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.
Ross: That's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
Monica: No, you're not. You're allergic to lobster and peanuts and- Oh, my God!
Ross: It's definitely getting worse.
Monica: Is your tongue swelling up?
Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller!

Quote from Joey

Ross: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to the hospital.
Joey: We'll watch him.
Ross: I don't think so.
Joey: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Well, if you do take him out for a walk, remember to bring his hat. There's extra milk in the refrigerator and extra diapers in the bag.
Joey: Hat, milk. Got it.
Ross: [indistinct mumbling]
Joey: Consider it done.
Chandler: You understood that?
Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
[Joey nods]

Quote from Rachel

Terry: Rachel, sweetheart, could I see you for a minute?
Rachel: What's up?
Terry: F.Y.I. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play here on Sundays afternoons. Her name is Stephanie something. She's supposed to be very good.
Rachel: But what about Phoebe?
Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad. It's that she's so bad she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Rachel: Okay, so you're not a fan.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: But this is my gig. This is where I play. My name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

Quote from Chandler

Caroline: Who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't think me immodest, but me.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.
Phoebe: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her a throne and a crown? And, like, a gold stick with a ball on top?
Rachel: Terry is a jerk. Okay, that's why we are always saying, "Terry's a jerk." That's where that came from.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
Joey: Well, that one has ducks on his T-shirt and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Or clowns. Oh, wait, wait. That one's definitely Ben! Remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth!
Chandler: Hey, Ben! Remember us? Okay, the mole came off. What are we gonna do? What are gonna do?
Joey: We'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
Joey: You got a better idea?
Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
Joey: Heads.
Chandler: Heads, it is. We have to assign heads to something!
Joey: Right! Okay, okay. Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You know, this whole playing for money thing is so not good for me. I don't know, when l sang "Su-su-suicide" I got, like, I got $1.75. But then "Smelly Cat"? I got 25 cents and a condom. So, you know, now I just feel really bad for "Smelly Cat."
Rachel: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets "Smelly Cat." I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then whoosh!

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: But it's not even that, you know? I used to do my songs because it made me happy.
Now it's just all about the money, you know?
Rachel: Well, people missed you in there. In fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat."
Phoebe: Really? From who?
Rachel: Well, me. And I know it's not your, you know, big money song, but it's my favorite.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?


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