TV Quotes

Waiter: Miss?
Rachel: [softly] Okay, I will have the side salad.
Waiter: [softly] And what would that be on the side of?
Rachel: I don't know. Why don't you just put it right here next to my water.

Waiter: Mmm. And for you?
Phoebe: I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup and ... take care.

Ross: Okay, well, I guess I just never think of money as an issue.
Rachel: That's because you have it.
Ross: That's a good point.

Chandler: Bob here. So you met someone, huh?
Jade: Yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him two hours ago.
Chandler: So how was he?
Jade: Eh.
Chandler: Eh?
Jade: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
Chandler: Well, that makes me feel so good.
Jade: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
Ross: [mouths] Bumpy?
Chandler: Maybe he had some kind of new style that you're not familiar with and maybe you have to get used to it.
Jade: Well, there really wasn't much time to get used to it if you know what I mean.

[phone rings, Chandler doesn't pick up]
Ross: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
Chandler: See, I'm trying this screening thing. If figure if I'm always answering the phone, people will think I have no life. My God, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
Answer Machine: [Joey] At the sound of the beep, you know what to do.
Jade: Hello. I'm looking for Bob. This is Jade.
I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us and how great it was.
Look, I know it's been three years but I was kind of hoping we could hook up again, you know. I barely had the nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
Ross: What?
Jade: I got a little drunk and naked.
Chandler: [answers the phone] Bob here!

Monica: And they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much.
Rachel: That's so cool!
Monica: Anyway, I just ran into Chandler and Ross downstairs, and I think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
Phoebe: Uh.
Joey: Someplace nice. How much you think I can get for my kidney?

Ross: You can't do this.
Chandler: I could never get a girl like that with conventional methods.
Ross: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance of happiness.
Chandler: We don't know Bob. We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.

Phoebe: Wow, look at these prices!
Rachel: Yeah, these are pretty "cha-ching."
Joey: I know! What are these, like, famous chickens?

Chandler: I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Ross: Pretty incredible, according to the message on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was yours because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks my number is Bob's number.
Ross: Hey, tell me again. What do I do again when Mr. Roper calls?

Waiter: And for the gentleman?
Joey: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff is it cheaper?
Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you?

Chandler: I will have the Cajun catfish.
Waiter: Anything else?
Chandler: Yes, how about a verse of "Killing Me Softly"? You're gonna sneeze in my fish, aren't you?

Phoebe: Sorry, Monica. I'm happy you got promoted but cold cucumber mush for 30-something bucks? No. Rachel just had that little salad and Joey with his, like, teeny pizza!

Chandler: So, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?

Ross: I don't understand. I mean, it's like we can't win with you guys.
Chandler: I mean if you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
Joey: Oh. Now you're telling us how we feel.
Rachel: Oh, God, see okay. We never should have talked about this.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna pass on the concert. See, I'm just not in a very "Hootie" place right now.

Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, then you'll have extra seats for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Monica: Ours pretty much sucked too. But I ran into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
Rachel: Oh, yeah! I used to baby-sit him. Hey, how's his dad?

Chandler: I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you-
Chandler: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. But that's me, I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.

Ross: Man, I sure miss Julie.
Chandler: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Okay, yeah, I see how you got there.

Jade: So are we gonna get together or what?
Chandler: Absolutely. Uh, how about tomorrow afternoon? Do you know Central Perk in the village? Say, five-ish?
Jade: Great. I'll see you then.
Chandler: Okay. Having a phone has finally paid off.
Ross: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow she's probably going to realize you're not Bob.
Chandler: I am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Ross: Oh, my God. You are pure evil.
Chandler: Okay, [weighing with both hands] pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.

Chandler: Uh, while Ross is on the phone everybody owes me $62 from his birthday.
Phoebe: Is there any chance that you're rounding up from, you know, from like $20?