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‘The One Where Ross Finds Out’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Ross Finds Out

207. The One Where Ross Finds Out

Aired November 9, 1995

When Rachel goes on a date to get over her feelings for Ross, she spends the whole time talking about him and makes a drunken phone call to him. Meanwhile, Monica becomes Chandler's personal trainer, and Phoebe struggles to get her boyfriend to sleep with her.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hi. I'm sorry. I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
Phone Guy: I'm talking.
Rachel: I can see that. Just one phone call, I'll be very quick. I'll even pay for it myself. Okay, you're being a little weird about your phone.
Phone Guy: All right. Fine. I'll call you back.
Rachel: Thank you. Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Michael: Good.
Rachel: Ross! Hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that everything's fine. And I'm really happy for you and your cat. Who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. You see there, I'm thinking of names so obviously I am over you. I am over you. And that, my friend, is what they call "closure."

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Quote from Ross

Rachel: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
Ross: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. Actually, I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. Who's Michael?
Rachel: Oh, my God. Ross, no. Hang up the phone. Give me the phone! Give me the- [Rachel jumps on Ross's back and grabs the phone, throwing it in the sink]
Ross: You're over me?
Rachel: Oh, God.
Ross: You're-
Rachel: Oh, God.
Ross: You're over me?
Rachel: Oh, God.
Ross: When were you under me?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something repellent about me?
Ross: So, how was the party?
Chandler: Well, it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed, in dire need of a project. Wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.
Monica: Please?
Joey: Come on, let her do it!
Chandler: All right. Okay. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm going home.
Phoebe: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here!
[Chandler hugs Phoebe] Oh, oh, can't make hands meet.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Come on, give me five more!
Chandler: No.
Monica: Five more.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler: [does sit-ups] Two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: She's insane. The woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt-clenches at my desk. And now they won't bring me my mail anymore.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So I figured it out.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's because I'm not sexy enough.
Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
Phoebe: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended. But that's so sweet.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I mean, it's a cat, you know? It's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs? You know, one of those fruit flies. Those things that live for, like, a day. What are they called? What are they called?
Michael: Fruit flies?
Rachel: Yes! Thank you.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Okay, so what is it? Am I hideously unattractive?
Phoebe: No, you are not. You are very attractive. You know what, I go through the same thing.
Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everything.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa. I've put on a little weight?
Joey: Did you want to? [Ross and Joey get up from the couch]
Phoebe: No, not weight. More like insulation.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, let's do it! What?
Monica: Nothing. Just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
Chandler: And we're changing.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Look, I don't mind taking it slow. I like him a lot. You know, he's really interesting, and he's really sweet. Why won't he give it up?
Joey: Well, maybe he drives his car on the other side of the road. If you know what I mean.
Phoebe: No. What do you mean? He's not British.
Joey: Maybe he's gay.
Phoebe: Oh. No, I don't think that's the problem. We went dancing the other night and just the way he held me so close and the way he was looking into my eyes. I just definitely felt something.
Rachel: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
Phoebe: No, no. I felt it on my hip. I could tell.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Come on, you guys, I don't care. I have a date tonight.
Joey: Whoa, you have a date?
Rachel: Yeah, Monica set me up.
Joey: What about Ross and-
Rachel: What? My whole insane jealousy thing? Well, you know, as much fun as that was I've decided to opt for sanity.

Quote from Rachel

Chandler: So you're really okay about all this?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, come on. I'm moving on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

Quote from Rachel

Joey: You're getting a cat?
Ross: Actually, we're getting a cat.
Rachel: Together?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Rachel: Both of you? Together?
Julie: We figure it'll live with Ross half the time and with me half the time.
Rachel: Aw. Well, isn't that just lovely? That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really long time.
Ross: Hopefully.
Rachel: Wow. Well, look at that. I gotta go. I got a date. With a man. Well, you guys have a really good night and you two have a really good cat. [Rachel leaves Central Perk with one of the trays, then returns] We're not supposed to take these when we leave.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: How long do cats live?
Michael: I'm sorry?
Rachel: Cats. How long do they live? Figuring you don't throw them under a bus or something?
Michael: Maybe 15, 16 years.
Rachel: Well, that's just great. [starts drinking as soon as the waiter hands her the glass]
Michael: Cheers!
Rachel: Right. Clink.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: No, Michael, it's not you. Sorry. It's just. It's this thing. It's not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
Michael: Oh, that does sound- Huh.
Rachel: I mean, he just started going out with her.
Michael: Is this guy an old boyfriend?
Rachel: Yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me. Michael, let's talk about you.
Michael: All right.
Rachel: So ... did you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, no. You're not having fun, are you?
Michael: No, no, I am. But only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Rachel: Oh, look at me. Look at me. I'm on a date with a really great guy. All I can think about is Ross and his cat and his Julie.

Quote from Rachel

Michael: Look, I've been through a divorce. Trust me, you're gonna be fine. You can't see it because you haven't had closure-
Rachel: Closure. That's what it is. That's what I need. God, you're brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
Michael: Well, there's no one way really, it's just. Whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him: "I'm over you."
Rachel: Over you. That's what it is. Closure.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: Umm.
Ross: Oh, and how was the date?
Rachel: I think there was a restaurant. I know there was wine.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Rachel, do you? I mean, were you? What?
Rachel: Okay, okay. Basically, Iately, I've- I've sort of had feelings for you.
Ross: You've had feelings for me?
Rachel: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
Ross: Whoa. You know about my- You know I had- You know?
Rachel: Chandler told me.
Ross: Chandler. When did he? When did he? When did he?
Rachel: When you were in China.
Ross: China.
Rachel: Meeting Julie.
Ross: Julie. Julie. That's- Oh, God! Okay, I need to lie down. No, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand and I'm gonna walk. I'm walking and I am standing. And, what, now you're over me?
Rachel: Are you over me?
Ross: [buzzer] That's Julie. That's Julie. Julie. Hi, Julie.
Julie: Hi, honey, I've got a cab waiting. I'll be right down.
Rachel: Wait, so you're going?
Ross: Well, okay, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've- You know, I've got a cab.
I've got a girlfriend. I'm gonna go get a cat.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
Joey: I can't find the remote.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: You had no right to say you had feelings for me. I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
Rachel: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should've said something before I met her.
Rachel: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel: Right, because you only had a year. And we only hung out every night.
Ross: Not, not every night. And it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way. You know, like ltalian guys or ex-fiances or ltalian guys.
Rachel: Hey, there was one ltalian guy, okay?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: The point is, I don't need this right now! Okay? It's too late. I'm with somebody else.
I'm happy. This ship has sailed!
Rachel: Okay, you're just gonna put away feelings or whatever else it was you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doing it since ninth grade. I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
Rachel: All right, fine. You go ahead and do that. All right, Ross? Because I don't need your ship!
Ross: Good.
Rachel: Good! And you know what? Now I got closure!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I don't mind the last pound. In fact, I kind of like the last pound. So don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
Monica: What you gonna do, fat boy? What?
Chandler: Nothing. Except tell you it's wonderful how much energy you have.
Monica: Well, thanks.
Chandler: Especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired, because they'd be disappointed. And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
Monica: Well, no. But l.
Chandler: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
Monica: You know, I try to stay positive.
Chandler: So you- You feel like going for a run?
Monica: All right.
Chandler: Because you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
Monica: Okay. Just for a little while.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Just tell her you wanna stop.
Chandler: I can't, okay? While she is out of work, I'm all she's got. That's why I was thinking maybe we can all pitch in and buy her her own restaurant.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out. It's over.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 20 minutes.
Chandler: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

Quote from Monica

Monica: If you say stop, then we stop.
Chandler: Stop.
Monica: No, come on. We can't stop. We got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. [imitating train whistle] Whoo-whoo. Whoo-whoo. Whoo-whoo! [Chandler walks out of his own apartment] Whoo.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Scott asked me to come over for lunch and I did.
Joey: And?
Phoebe: And we did.
Joey: All right, Pheebs. Way to go!
Phoebe: Yay, me.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So how did it happen?
Phoebe: I took your advice and asked him what was going on.
Joey: What did he say?
Phoebe: He understands how sex can be, like, a very emotional thing for a woman. And he was just afraid that I was going to get all, like, "ls he gonna call me the next day?" and "Where is this going?" And, you know, blah-blah. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, "Okay. Relax, please." I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment. You know, if he wants to see me again, he can call. And if not, that's fine too. So after a lot of talking I convinced him.
Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a great idea?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my god!


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