Ray: Will you come on?! We're gonna be late! Every time.
Debra: [o.s.] Coming.
Frank: I can't believe you're gonna miss this game just to go to some stupid school parents' night.
Ray: You think I wanna? I just wanna go so I can get back.
Frank: You are some special kind of lady.
Ray: Come on!
Marie: Here you go, boys.
Ray: What's that?
Marie: Just some snacks.
Ray: Those are your calzones. Your homemade calzones. Aww. Stupid parent night!
Robert: Relax, Raymond. I'll save you some. And then we'll dance around in fairyland.
Ray: The cheese is burning the inside your mouth, isn't it?
Robert: [pained] I don't care.

Robert: Right, so let's hear your idea.
Ray: All right. You ready for this? 'Cause it blows your hammock to Oyster Bay. Family portrait photo.
Robert: Who wants that?
Ray: I think Ma does, okay? I think I was reading the signals loud and clear.
Robert: Yeah, and what were the signals, Ray?
Ray: She said "Raymond, I would really love a family portrait photo instead of something useless like a hammock."
Robert: She did not say that.
Ray: She will.

Ray: What are you doing? Think that you're taking the picture dressed like that?
Robert: Ray, I had to come straight from work, okay?
Ray: You did this on purpose.
Robert: What?
Ray: Wearing that. You're trying to screw up my gift, right? Hammock?
Robert: Calm down, I've brought clothes.
Ray: Yeah, well put 'em on, and just watch yourself.

Ray: What's with your parents?
Debra: What are you talking about?
Ray: My- My mom's all upset. She didn't know your parents were going to be in the picture.
Debra: Well, of course they're gonna be in the picture.
Ray: You told them to come?
Debra: Well, yes, Ray. I mean you said "family photo," so family photo.
Ray: But you didn't even tell me.
Debra: Well, I assumed you knew that my parents were part of the family.
Ray: Okay, yes, I knew. But but you had to know that my mom would go all "Dog Day Afternoon" on us if your parents are in her picture!

Ray: Hey, Ma, how you doin'?
Marie: Did you talk to Debra?
Ray: Yes, I did, we had a great talk. Now here's the thing-
Marie: Raymond. No, just listen, Mom. It's Christmas. You know, you, you love Christmas. Remember that Christmas movie, "A Christmas Carol"? Remember the little crippled boy, and he said, he said "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." So he wants us "all" to have a "good"... Okay, how about this? We put her parents at the edge of the picture and later you can cut them out.
Marie: It's all right, Raymond. I'm not feeling very well. Why don't you all take the picture without me?
Ray: Mom, I did this for you, Mom. I did it for you.
Marie: I thought so too.

Robert: All right, come on. Smile everybody. We don't want Raymond to throw another hissy fit.
Photographer: Good, that's right. All right. One for the mantel now.
Robert: [as Ray] "Nobody talk to me anymore!" [all laugh]
Photographer: Very good! Very good! One, two...
Ray: Robert got you a hammock.

Ray: Judy and I did some research. After you busted up that rodeo, your bull got sentenced to community service here. Wanna go see him?
Robert: No, I don't wanna go see him. What, are you crazy? You saw what he did to me.
Ray: I understand. You're a little nervous. Wanna work your way up? Start with a duck.
Robert: There is absolutely nothing funny about this, Raymond.
Ray: Listen to me. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was good for you. I just want you to see that he's not a monster, you know? The day you two guys met, he was probably all freaked out. He was probably more scared than you were. Now look at him. He's just Nestor, the happy bull.
Robert: Well, I'm glad he's happy. How is this supposed to help me?
Ray: Come on. Just go look at him. You were a cop. You told me once about that victim therapy stuff. So go ahead. Confront your attacker.

Robert: I don't know, Raymond. This fence doesn't look too sturdy.
Ray: He seems pretty mellow. Turn around. See if he recognizes you. Go ahead. Show him your fuzzy acres.
Robert: You gonna make jokes? That what you're gonna do?
Ray: I'm sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. I'll be upwind.
Robert: Funny man.

Ray: Oh, man, she really nailed you. Was she wearing a ring?
Robert: Our friendship ring.
Ray: Ironic.

Debra: [on the phone] Okay, Ally, we'll see you in a week. Uh-huh. Have fun in Connecticut, and you do what Grandma tells you, okay?
Ray: Or you'll be sent back to this Grandma.
Debra: No, no, honey. He's kidding. He's kidding. Okay, honey, we love you. Bye-bye. Bye.
Ray: Bye-bye.