Debra: Honey, were you scared?
Ray: A little. Yeah. But, Robert, you know, was not.
Debra: You know, that's his job.
Ray: I know. But I couldn't do that. I mean, what's the most dangerous thing I do? I let the kids jump on me without wearing a cup. Robert, he's really...
Debra: You're proud of him.
Ray: Well, he's like a hero. You know, and everybody's always making a big fuss about what I do just 'cause I have some column. Robert's the one whose name should be in the paper.
Debra: Did you tell him that?
Ray: You know what? I'm gonna do better than that.
Debra: Who are you calling?
Ray: Hold on. [on the phone] Hey, Max. Yeah, it's Ray. Listen, you didn't put the paper to bed yet, did you? Okay, great. I got a great story. I went with my brother on this police ride-along. Yeah, the big guy. Yeah, the chin-toucher. Yeah. Listen. You're not gonna believe what happened...

Debra: So Ray, you don't think I need a boob job, do you?
Ray: No. Not if you think it's stupid.
Debra: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: What? Nothing.
Debra: Really?
Ray: Honey, you know I like them.
Debra: Yeah. Okay, Ray. Okay. All right.
Ray: Come on. You know I love Barnes & Noble.

Robert: Hey. We saw you pull up.
Ray: What's up?
Frank: Ah, nothing much. How was your trip?
Ray: Yeah, it was fine.
Robert: Yeah. Good flight?
Ray: Yeah.
Frank: How was the, uh... the weather there?
Ray: All right. What game is on?
Robert: Seattle-Tampa Bay. Dad's giving me seven and a half.
Ray: When are you guys gonna get your own satellite dish?
Frank: Shut up.

Ray: All right, listen guys. I'm really tired. I'm tired here. Debra and I, we got a lot of catching up to do, so if you'd all be so kind as to leave, I'll give you each $1,000.

Debra: Idiot!
Ray: Socks?
Debra: You are a jerk!
Ray: What?
Debra: Really disappointed now, aren't you?
Ray: I'm not disappointed. I'm scared.

Ray: Oh, then what did you do?! Seems like you went through a lot of trouble to get me to say that I like breasts.
Debra: Big breasts!
Ray: Yea! Yeah, okay, and a nice butt, too! I'm sick! You should start worrying when I say I don't like those things.
Debra: You are obsessed with those things!
Ray: I'm not the one who had fake surgery.
Debra: All those times you say, "Hey, you look great," it was all lies.
Ray: Come on, I mean it when I say that.
Debra: Oh, right.
Ray: All right, sometimes I mean, "Hurry up, we're late." Usually I mean "You look great!"
Debra: Right.
Ray: It's true! You always look great. Tonight, you looked different great.

Ray: That is not true. My mother's the liar.
Debra: Ray, she didn't lie to me about this. She opened up to me.
Ray: Opened up? She played you like a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
Debra: Oh, you're impossible. You know that? Your father makes up a story and you just believe it.
Ray: Because it's true.
Debra: Listen, when your mom and I talked, she told me that she... [Ray hums ukulele music] Ray. Okay, I'm telling you. Fine fine.
Ray: Come on. All right, look, it's already Saturday. We gotta do it three times tomorrow. Hi, Mrs. Scarpulla.

Russell: How old is your daughter?
Ray: 7.
Russell: 7. I'll tell you what she needs. Are you familiar with "Little Lotta"? You see, Lotta is a little girl with a bow on her head and although she's morbidly obese, she still finds happiness.
Ray: Do you have a partner? 'Cause maybe I could talk to him about this.
Russell: Don't you get it, you Long Island suburban automaton? You can't hear the truth over your lawnmower, man!

Ray: We are like idiots. We have to stop this. You know, Debra's right. This competing it's stupid. And your feet stink.
Robert: I don't want to compete with you, man.
Ray: No, seriously, your feet, you can't smell that?
Robert: Why are we like this? Where does this come from?
Ray: I don't know.
Marie: [enters] Look at this place. I just want to say something. You disappoint me, the both of you.
Ray: Sorry, Mom.
Robert: I'm sorry too.
Marie: And you especially, Robbie.
Robert: Me? Why?
Marie: Why? Because you should know better! You're the older one.
Ray: It's true. You should set an example.

Robert: So, I heard you went on a little double date with Amy and Gianni.
Ray: It wasn't a date. How'd you know about that anyway?
Robert: What, are you forgetting I'm a cop? I got eyes all over the city, baby.
Ray: Yeah, any of those eyes watch you get dressed this morning?