Greg: That's a lot of money.
Chris: Yeah, but my mom's really worth it. I mean, she works, she cooks, she cleans. And what do I ever do for her? Besides, I think it's finally time to show her how appreciative I am.
Greg: I hope my mom appreciates my gift. Now I just have to figure out what cell block she's on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Did you try Bellevue?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew was looking to turn old junk into a new present.
Julius: What's all this, Drew?
Drew: I'm gonna sell some stuff so I can get some extra money to buy Mom's present.
Julius: I thought you had money saved up.
Drew: I did, but that was my "running of the bulls" money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Duh!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was out of hot water, but Greg thought it was cool.
Greg: I can't believe you almost got arrested. You're gonna get so much street cred.
Chris: I don't need street cred; I need a Mother's Day gift.
Greg: Well, it's not too late to still make her something out of macaroni.

Janitor: Hey. You're that Black kid.
Chris: Yeah. Where did you come from?
Janitor: Brooklyn. By way of Palermo. Anyway, I overheard your conversation. You need a Mother's Day gift?
Chris: Yeah. I'm looking for Pure Voodoo.
Janitor: Ooh! There goes the college fund, huh? But I got a guy can help you.
Greg: Really?
Janitor: Yeah. Five bucks.
Chris: Wait. He has the perfume for five dollars?
Janitor: No. It's five bucks for the info.
Chris: Oh. Well, better be good.
Janitor: Yeah, see, the only thing is he lives in a really, really bad neighborhood. I don't even dare go there myself.
Chris: Where is that?
Janitor: Bed Stuy.
Chris: Are you telling me I just paid you five dollars so that you could tell me to go see Risky?
Janitor: So I guess I'm not gonna get another five out of you for the directions.

Rochelle: [screams]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After what Pure Voodoo had done, I didn't know whether to call an itch doctor or a witch doctor.
Rochelle: Voodoo got me!

Julius: Tonya, you know you're not to order anything in this house without checking with me or your mother first.
Tonya: But it said they were only for a penny.
Julius: Baby, you're old enough to know, no one's going to sell you seven Billy Ocean records for a penny.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They would today.
Julius: Look, you're going to have to be more careful about the things you agree to.
Tonya: Does that mean I have to return the records?
Julius: Well, I'd hate for you to have to give back your Mother's Day gift.
Tonya: So I can keep them? [Julius nods] Thanks, Daddy.
Julius: Yeah, but you're going to have to do a lot of chores for a long time to pay back that money.
Tonya: Yes, Daddy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did one dish, and he called it even.

Rochelle: I want to show you something. Do you remember this macaroni ashtray?
Chris: Yeah, I made that for you three years ago on Mother's Day.
Rochelle: And I almost got cancer trying to use all 42 slots. And what about these?
Chris: Yeah, the macaroni shoe insoles. I made those for you in fifth grade. They look good. Did you ever use them?
Rochelle: No. But that year your father was laid off we almost had to eat them. And what about this? A box of macaroni.
Chris: Yeah, kind of ran out of ideas that year. See, that's why I wanted to make this year extra special. These things are worthless.
Rochelle: No, you're wrong, Chris. These things are priceless.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only in a worldwide macaroni shortage.
Rochelle: And I wouldn't trade any of these gifts for all of the designer perfume in the world. I wouldn't even care if you ever got me another gift.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my house, the most important holiday of the year was Mother's Day. You'd think it would be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.
[fantasy: Jesus serves the family dinner:]
Rochelle: Oh, wow!
Tonya: That smells good.
Jesus: Who wants meat loaf?

Drew: Have you thought about what you want for Mother's Day, Mom?
Rochelle: Well, you kids cleaning up the house, that would be nice.
Tonya: We tried that when you sprained your shoulder. Remember? It didn't go too well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It went well for you, lazy.

Chris: Hey, Dad, what you getting Mom for Mother's Day?
Julius: Me? Why should I get anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?
Julius: Um... maybe some flowers.