Rochelle: Magician, huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't care about magic. She just imagined how it could make her look good.
[fantasy: a bunch of women are getting their hair done at a salon:]
Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers.
Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
Rochelle: And my son is a magician. And he just made Bed-Stuy disappear.
[When they look out of the window, it's a baron desert with wolves howling in the distant]
Pam: You better tell him to bring it back 'cause I'm closing at 9:00.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finding a pair of turntables was harder than I thought, because as it turns out, I wasn't the only DJ who wanted them.
[montage:]
Salesman #1: Sorry, kid, Jam Master Jay just bought the last pair.
Salesman #2: Sorry, kid, DJ Scott LaRock just bought the last pair.
Salesman #3: Well, I'm sorry, uh, we just sold the last pair to this kid who called himself Funkmaster Flex.
Chris: Funkmaster Flex?
Salesman #3: Same thing I said. Sounds like some kind of workout machine to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, for out-of-shape funky people.

Kill Moves: It's a Technics 1200 stylus.
Chris: Where'd you find that?
Kill Moves: Found it outside on the ground. Must have fell off one of these turntables.
Abe Himmelfarb: I'll give you $10.
Chris: I'll give you $20.
Abe Himmelfarb: $25.
Kill Moves: $15!
Abe Himmelfarb: Deal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is your brain on drugs.
Kill Moves: Later, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He later traded that money for two dimes and a shiny nickel.

Rochelle: DJ, huh?
Chris: Yeah, I even got a job DJing a party Saturday night.
Rochelle: Uh-uh, what are you doing with my James Brown album?
Chris: Can I borrow it? I need it for the party.
Rochelle: Why, you had the money to buy all this, why don't you buy your own?
Chris: Well, I looked everywhere. Nobody has it.
Rochelle: All right, Mr. DJ. You'd better take care of it, 'cause you know how I love me my James Brown. Ow, ooh. Funky now. Getting funky now. Getting funky. Ow. They don't know nothing about that. What you know about that? Ow! Ow! Jump back, I gotta catch myself. Ow-- Ow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she was a Jackie Wilson fan, she'd be in the emergency room right now.

Chris: I need an advance.
Monk: For what?
Chris: "The Payback."
Monk: The payback? Get down here quick. What's up with the payback? How'd you know about it? Who told you that?
Chris: I'm just talking about the James Brown album.
Monk: Oh, you talking about "The Big Payback."
Chris: What'd you think I was talking about?
Monk: Never mind. Anyway, I don't loan money, man. It ruins relationships. I once loaned my mother money for a bus ticket, never saw her again.
Chris: So, you can't do it?
Monk: Nope. Sorry, Chris, can't do it.
Chris: All right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I should've said I need the money to overthrow the Sandinistas.

Chris: But I bought turntables and everything. It almost cost me $200.
Jerome: Look... If he gets arrested again...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he will.
Jerome: Maybe I'll give you a call. Sorry, lil' dude. Here's your dollar.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In his mind, we're even.
Chris: Thanks a lot.

Kill Moves: Hey.
Abe Himmelfarb: Kill Moves, what you got for me?
Kill Moves: What can you get me for this.
Abe Himmelfarb: "The Payback."
Chris: Where'd you find that?
Kill Moves: Found it outside. Must of fell out of that jacket.
Chris: I'll give you ten dollars for it.
Abe Himmelfarb: Twenty.
Kill Moves: Fifteen.
Chris: Fifty.
Kill Moves: Deal.
Chris: Ha!
Abe Himmelfarb: He said $15, you gave him $50. Ha!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Some things are just not meant to be. I thought I wanted to be a DJ, but things just spun out of control. It cost me over $200 to not be a DJ, but at least my mother would never find out that I scratched her James Brown record. [record skips]
[The Everybody Hates Chris chorus skips]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As a kid, I loved listening to music. I loved soul. I loved rock. And even the occasional polka. But my favorite was hip-hop. Rappers are the big stars now, but back then, it was the DJs. DJ Jazzy Jeff actually had top billing over the Fresh Prince. While the DJs did all the hard work, all the rappers did was say one thing.
DJ Hilly Hill: Say, "Hey!"
All: Hey!
DJ Hilly Hill: Say, "Oh!"
All: Oh!
DJ Hilly Hill: Now scream!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough but was never allowed to rap.
Police Officer: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed aka DJ Hilly Hill.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The first rule of breaking the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.
DJ Hilly Hill: Why y'all arresting me, Jack? I pay my bills just like everybody else.
Police Officer: Cry me a river.
DJ : I have nothing to do with that Alpine in that Cadillac, either. [to Jerome] Yo, take care of my records, son.

Rochelle: Oh, what's that?
Drew: Marshall Brodien. He's my favorite magician. Hey, Mom. Could you take me to the toy store this week?
Rochelle: What for?
Drew: They're having free magic shows with Magician the Magician.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's as lazy as me calling myself Comedian the Comedian.