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‘Everybody Hates DJs’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates DJs

217. Everybody Hates DJs

Aired March 19, 2007

When Chris is asked to DJ a party, he needs to buy all the equipment. Meanwhile, Drew asks Julius to take him to a magic show.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was pursuing Hip Hop, my dad was trying to avoid things that went hippity-hop.
Drew: Hey, Dad, do you think you could take me to the magic show this week?
Julius: I got a magic show for you. I work two jobs seven days a week, and every day my money disappears. How's that for magic?

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Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hold on, hold on. Y'all don't have to leave. I know somebody here knows how to DJ.
Chris: I know how to DJ.
Jerome: Little dude from across the street. You're telling me you know how to rock the wheels of steel?
Woman: Well, go ahead, then. Turn the party out.
Jerome: Hold on, everybody, hold on. Let me hold a dollar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's charging me to help him?
Jerome: If you're telling the truth, I'll give it back.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thanks.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, Chris, where are you going in such a hurry?
Chris: Oh, I need to go buy turntables. I got a job offer DJing a party.
Greg: DJ? You mean like Wolfman Jack?
Chris: No, like Grandmaster Flash.
Greg: Grandmaster Flash. Isn't he in the Justice League?
Chris: No, the Furious Five.
Greg: Those look expensive.
Chris: Well, they're professional.
Greg: Yeah, but you're not.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg's future career as a motivational speaker didn't go very well.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Did Drew ask you to take him to a magic show?
Julius: Yeah... Uh, did you know there were going to be rabbits there?
Rochelle: So?
Julius: So... I'm allergic.
Rochelle: To rabbits? Since when?
Julius: I don't know. Since I was a kid. I mean... So if they're going to have rabbits there, I can't go.
Rochelle: Can't you take some allergy medicine or some 'Tussin?
Julius: It's Robitussin, not Rabbit-tussin.
Rochelle: Look, Drew doesn't ask you for much. All he wants you to do is to take him to a magic show. A free magic show. This is important to him. You should be willing to wade through a pool of rabbits.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never went near a pool again.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Say "Go, little dude!"
All: Go, little dude.
Jerome: Say, "Hey!"
All: Hey!
Jerome: Say, "Oh!"
All: Oh!
Jerome: Now scream! [to Chris] Listen up. I'm doing another party next Saturday. You want to DJ? It pays a hundred dollars.
Chris: A hundred dollars? Yeah.
Jerome: Cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Notice, he didn't give me my dollar back.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hip-hop was the biggest thing to hit Bed-Stuy since poverty, but it took a little longer to get to the White neighborhoods.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Man, this is so cool. White guys have to learn to play instruments to make records. Black guys just have to play the records.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But the White man still gets all the money.

Quote from Chris

Greg: What are you going to call yourself?
Chris: DJ Chrissy Chris.
Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?
Chris: It's a Black thing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like that badass Black dude from Three's Company.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh, baby, I can't take you, I got to work. But when your father wakes up, why don't you ask him? Maybe he could take you.
Drew: Okay.
Rochelle: Now, wait a minute, Drew. I don't want you fooling around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't want to come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean white magic. You hear me?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Magician, huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't care about magic. She just imagined how it could make her look good.
[fantasy: a bunch of women are getting their hair done at a salon:]
Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers.
Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
Rochelle: And my son is a magician. And he just made Bed-Stuy disappear.
[When they look out of the window, it's a baron desert with wolves howling in the distant]
Pam: You better tell him to bring it back 'cause I'm closing at 9:00.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finding a pair of turntables was harder than I thought, because as it turns out, I wasn't the only DJ who wanted them.
[montage:]
Salesman #1: Sorry, kid, Jam Master Jay just bought the last pair.
Salesman #2: Sorry, kid, DJ Scott LaRock just bought the last pair.
Salesman #3: Well, I'm sorry, uh, we just sold the last pair to this kid who called himself Funkmaster Flex.
Chris: Funkmaster Flex?
Salesman #3: Same thing I said. Sounds like some kind of workout machine to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, for out-of-shape funky people.

Quote from Julius

Drew: But I want to get a set of TV Magic Cards.
Julius: You gonna make some money with this magic?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If he gets good, he could make your "broke" disappear.
Drew: I don't know, but Doug Henning does.
Julius: What you going to do at this show?
Drew: Everything. Uh... Card tricks, sawing people in half, pulling rabbits out of hats.
Julius: Rabbits?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nobody in my family knew it at the time, but my father was only afraid of two things: being broke and rabbits. It started in the '70s. While everybody else was being scared by The Exorcist, my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.
[flashback to a younger Julius in a movie theater:]
Julius: Run, man!

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: It's a Technics 1200 stylus.
Chris: Where'd you find that?
Kill Moves: Found it outside on the ground. Must have fell off one of these turntables.
Abe Himmelfarb: I'll give you $10.
Chris: I'll give you $20.
Abe Himmelfarb: $25.
Kill Moves: $15!
Abe Himmelfarb: Deal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is your brain on drugs.
Kill Moves: Later, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He later traded that money for two dimes and a shiny nickel.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: DJ, huh?
Chris: Yeah, I even got a job DJing a party Saturday night.
Rochelle: Uh-uh, what are you doing with my James Brown album?
Chris: Can I borrow it? I need it for the party.
Rochelle: Why, you had the money to buy all this, why don't you buy your own?
Chris: Well, I looked everywhere. Nobody has it.
Rochelle: All right, Mr. DJ. You'd better take care of it, 'cause you know how I love me my James Brown. Ow, ooh. Funky now. Getting funky now. Getting funky. Ow. They don't know nothing about that. What you know about that? Ow! Ow! Jump back, I gotta catch myself. Ow-- Ow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she was a Jackie Wilson fan, she'd be in the emergency room right now.

Quote from Monk

Chris: I need an advance.
Monk: For what?
Chris: "The Payback."
Monk: The payback? Get down here quick. What's up with the payback? How'd you know about it? Who told you that?
Chris: I'm just talking about the James Brown album.
Monk: Oh, you talking about "The Big Payback."
Chris: What'd you think I was talking about?
Monk: Never mind. Anyway, I don't loan money, man. It ruins relationships. I once loaned my mother money for a bus ticket, never saw her again.
Chris: So, you can't do it?
Monk: Nope. Sorry, Chris, can't do it.
Chris: All right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I should've said I need the money to overthrow the Sandinistas.

Quote from Jerome

Chris: But I bought turntables and everything. It almost cost me $200.
Jerome: Look... If he gets arrested again...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he will.
Jerome: Maybe I'll give you a call. Sorry, lil' dude. Here's your dollar.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In his mind, we're even.
Chris: Thanks a lot.

Quote from Chris

Kill Moves: Hey.
Abe Himmelfarb: Kill Moves, what you got for me?
Kill Moves: What can you get me for this.
Abe Himmelfarb: "The Payback."
Chris: Where'd you find that?
Kill Moves: Found it outside. Must of fell out of that jacket.
Chris: I'll give you ten dollars for it.
Abe Himmelfarb: Twenty.
Kill Moves: Fifteen.
Chris: Fifty.
Kill Moves: Deal.
Chris: Ha!
Abe Himmelfarb: He said $15, you gave him $50. Ha!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Some things are just not meant to be. I thought I wanted to be a DJ, but things just spun out of control. It cost me over $200 to not be a DJ, but at least my mother would never find out that I scratched her James Brown record. [record skips]
[The "Everybody Hates Chris" chorus skips]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As a kid, I loved listening to music. I loved soul. I loved rock. And even the occasional polka. But my favorite was hip-hop. Rappers are the big stars now, but back then, it was the DJs. DJ Jazzy Jeff actually had top billing over the Fresh Prince. While the DJs did all the hard work, all the rappers did was say one thing.
DJ Hilly Hill: Say, "Hey!"
All: Hey!
DJ Hilly Hill: Say, "Oh!"
All: Oh!
DJ Hilly Hill: Now scream!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough but was never allowed to rap.
Police Officer: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed aka DJ Hilly Hill.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The first rule of breaking the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.
DJ Hilly Hill: Why y'all arresting me, Jack? I pay my bills just like everybody else.
Police Officer: Cry me a river.
DJ : I have nothing to do with that Alpine in that Cadillac, either. [to Jerome] Yo, take care of my records, son.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Oh, what's that?
Drew: Marshall Brodien. He's my favorite magician. Hey, Mom. Could you take me to the toy store this week?
Rochelle: What for?
Drew: They're having free magic shows with Magician the Magician.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's as lazy as me calling myself Comedian the Comedian.

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