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‘Everybody Hates Chain Snatching’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Chain Snatching

216. Everybody Hates Chain Snatching

Aired February 26, 2007

Chris doesn't know what to do when Malvo demands he snatch a chain. Meanwhile, Rochelle discovers Julius has a secret credit card, and Tonya tries to win Billy Ocean tickets.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You must think I'm stupid. Oh, yeah. Rochelle is just an idiot! She don't know what goes on in this house. And I damn sure ain't going to tell her. Is that what you tell your little Puerto Rican mami, huh? And all your little ninos? Did you take them on vacation and buy 45 cent worth of this? A dollar forty-nine cent worth of that? With your credit card?!
Julius: A credit card?
Rochelle: Your credit card. Oh, yeah. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it. And you know what else it says, Julius? It says "Cardholder since 1970"! That means that for 15 years, you've been hiding this from me! So what do you have to say for yourself, Julius? Don't you say another word! Comprende, papi?! Oh, you been hiding a credit card. What else are you hiding? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!
Julius: I am not Batman.
Julius: I'm Batman.
Rochelle: I need to know the truth.
[fantasy: Julius is wearing a marine uniform:]
Julius: You can't handle the truth!


Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I couldn't afford to buy a chain, I avoided Malvo to buy some time. I took every train. I took every bus. No matter how hard I tried to avoid Malvo, he always seemed to be around. If I could've, I would've taken a underground railroad.
Harriet Tubman: Is you running to the north?
Chris: No, I'm running from Malvo.
Harriet Tubman: Malvo? You'd a been better off a slave. Get on, now, and remember: you ain't seen nothing.

Quote from Rochelle

Vanessa: Turns out, he had a whole other family.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's all my mother need to hear.
[fantasy: Julius arrives home to a Latino family:]
Julius: [Spanish: "Hey, Baby."]
Kids: [Spanish: "Hey, Father."]
Puerto Rican Rochelle: [Spanish: "How was work today?"]
Julius: [Spanish: "Good."]
Puerto Rican Chris: [Spanish: "May I be excused?"]
Julius: [Spanish: "No! You better eat that. That's forty-six cents worth of beans and rice."]
Puerto Rican Rochelle: [Spanish: "Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card."]
Julius: [Spanish: "Oh, that's good, that's good."]

Quote from Julius

Malvo: So I'm supposed to be afraid 'cause you brought your daddy out here?
Julius: You're supposed to be scared because, if you ever put your hands on my son again you ain't going to jail. I'm going to jail.
Malvo: What you going to do?
Julius: You'll find out what I'm going to do. You think I'm playing? When you're in the shower, I'm going to be there.
[fantasy: Julius is there when Malvo climbs out of the shower:]
Julius: You think I'm playing?
Julius: When you're watching TV, I'm going to be there.
[fantasy: Malvo watches TV on his bed]
Julius: [on TV] Think I'm playing?
Julius: Even in your dreams, I'm going to be there.
Judge: Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. Case dismissed.
Malvo: What I tell you, dude?
Julius: You think I'm playing?
Malvo: Yeah. That's all right.
Julius: It's going to be all right!
Malvo: You lucky I don't know my daddy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the slogan for the Bed-Stuy Boys' Club.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say "everywhere," I mean everywhere. There was white-collar crime. There was blue-collar crime. There was even collard green crime.
Woman: Hey, come back here with my pot liquor!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In Bed-Stuy, one crime was an epidemic: chain snatching. Everybody had a gold chain and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe. Not young people. Not old people. Not even dead people. I never had a gold chain because my parents would never let me get one.
Rochelle: Gold chain?
Julius: Is a gold chain gonna keep the house warm?
Rochelle: Is a gold chain gonna help you graduate?
Julius: Is a gold chain gonna get rid of my gout?
Rochelle: Is a gold chain gonna help clean this place up?
Julius: The only thing you need with a gold chain is to lock up the gold gates on your gold house.

Quote from Greg

Chris: You remember Malvo?
Greg: Malvo? I thought he went to jail.
Chris: Well, he got out, and this morning he tried to snatch a chain. I saw him coming up on my friend, but I didn't know it was him.
Greg: Don't tell me you warned her.
Chris: I warned her.
Greg: Oh, man. Don't you know if you see a crime committed in New York City, you keep your mouth shut? I don't care if you see Ronald Reagan about to gun down the Pope, you don't tell!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was a big fan of editorial cartoons.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: The mailman left this letter for Mr. Julius in my mailbox by mistake.
Rochelle: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Mr. Omar: By the way, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.
Rochelle: Sure.
Mr. Omar: You wouldn't happen to have another pair of pantyhose I could borrow?
Rochelle: Pantyhose?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Borrow?
Mr. Omar: I need a new stocking cap for my hair.
Rochelle: Okay, sure. You can have these.
Mr. Omar: Were you about to put these on, or did you just take them off?
Rochelle: They're new, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, okay, then. Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think he's disappointed.

Quote from Vanessa

Pam: So are you gonna ask him about it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What would she do that for?
Vanessa: Uh-uh-uh. Don't you ask him nothing. Just wait. See what he does. You've got to be surreptitious... If he is waiting on that credit card, give him a couple of days. He'll start looking for it.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya, get off the phone and come eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, my mother wasn't the only one doing undercover work.
Rochelle: Boy, what you think this is, a stickup? Take off that hat and take off those glasses and act like you sitting at the table.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Who were you talking to?
Tonya: I wasn't talking. I was trying to see if I could to win tickets to see Billy Ocean.
Drew: I don't know why you keep calling, you're not gonna win.
Julius: I hope you win, 'cause I can't afford to buy them.
Rochelle: No, who knows where we would get the money from.
Julius: I know that's right.
Rochelle: Too bad we don't have a credit card...
Julius: I am not getting a credit card so we can buy some concert tickets.
Rochelle: So you're saying you don't want a credit card?
Julius: That's right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wish I could've told my father what was going on.
Chris: Run, Daddy! Run! She's being surreptitious! [Julius dashes away]
Rochelle: Oh, baby, well, I hope you win those tickets because we sure are not gonna buy them with a credit card.
Julius: Pass the syrup.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was so good at sneaking around, I thought about joining the CIA.
Malvo: Hey!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or maybe the D.O.A.
Malvo: I got a question for you boy. What is today?
Chris: Wednesday?
Malvo: Nah. Today is two days after the day before yesterday.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Malvo was an idiot savant. 98% idiot, two percent savant.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Rochelle: Why not?! Do you know how many times we could have used it?!
Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Rochelle: Oh, oh, okay, Mr. Responsibility, Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide things From His Wife, answer this for me: since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ask your friends at the beauty shop.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Why do you keep calling that station, Tonya? You're not going to win. Why don't you just quit?
Tonya: Shut up. Oh, it's ringing!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya wasn't just waiting for concert tickets. She was waiting for Billy Ocean tickets. And she would wait as long as it took.
[flash-forward to 2005:]
42-year-old Drew: Dang, girl, you still trying to get Billy Ocean tickets?
40-year-old Tonya: Yeah. He's opening for Usher at the Beacon.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Well, you know my friend Greg? He has a problem and I want to help him.
Julius: What kind of problem?
Chris: Well, there's this guy who wants him to snatch a chain for him.
Julius: Snatch a chain? That's stealing. People work hard for what they have. Thief, murderer, it's all the same in my book.
Chris: Right. Which is why he doesn't want to do it. But, if he doesn't, the guy is going to beat him up.
Julius: But, if he does, he's going to go to jail. He's going to get beat up anyway. So he can get beat up for breaking the law, or beat up for not breaking the law. But, at least, if he doesn't break the law, the other guy will go to jail, and he'll get beat up instead.
Adult Chris: Huh?
Chris: So should he snatch the chain or not snatch the chain?
Julius: Not snatch the chain.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why didn't you just say that?
Chris: Well, thanks. I'll tell Greg what you said.
Julius: Why didn't Greg ask his own father for help?
Chris: 'Cause he didn't know what he was going to do.
Julius: Well, tell him don't do nothing stupid.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew didn't know what it felt like to lose, but he hated the way it looked on Tonya.
Drew: Give me the phone.
Host: [on radio] Hey. What's your name?
Tonya: Tonya.
Host: Tonya? Hey, I'm sorry to tell you this, baby, but... you're caller number 98! You're going to see Billy Ocean!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was so lucky, one time a horse tried to take his shoe for good luck.

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