Carla: Hey, Diane, you got a minute? Listen, I want you to know that you are the last person on earth that I would ask for help. But I figure you've been in college for a zillion years, so you must have picked up something.
Diane: Now that you've buttered me up-
Carla: Well, my kid Gino, he made this generator for his school science fair, and he can't get it to work.
Diane: What's the problem?
Carla: He's not very smart.

Cliff: Oh, yeah, Carla, it is common knowledge that I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact, I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Diane: Sam, who's sitting here?
Sam: I don't know, but his coat's been taking up bar space all night.
Diane: So I've noticed. Cashmere. Very nice. Hand stitching. Tortoiseshell buttons. This is a very expensive garment.
Sam: Doesn't look that expensive to me.
Diane: It has a Bemberg lining.
Sam: Oh, well, no fair, now. You didn't mention that.
Diane: I'm gonna hang it up. Oh, a pipe smoker. I don't believe it's a domestic blend. Sam, what do you think?
Sam: I don't smell anything.
Diane: Of course not. Your olfactory senses have been destroyed by that cologne you marinate in. Oh, I should've known. Of course, it's a perique blend. Jack Meechan, my father's partner, used to smoke it. Oh, huh, the memory's so clearly etched in my mind. He'd sit in his office smoking his pipe. I'd beg to sit in his lap, and he'd say, "Okay, little miss, but you have to pay the toll first." So I'd give him a big hug, and then he'd ask, "How about a tip for the gatekeeper?" So I'd give him a quick peck on the cheek, and he'd toss me in the air, yelling, "Who's your favorite uncle?" And I'd squeal, "Uncle Jack, Uncle Jack."
Sam: Was this before or after you met me?

Cliff: Okay, Watson, fire up.
[As Norm spins the handle, Cliff's whole body shakes, his tongue sticks in his mouth and his gaze is fixed right ahead]
Norm: Cliffie, are you all right?
Cliff: It went right from my neck to my lower regions, Norm.
Norm: Anything we can do?
Cliff: Yeah. Crank it up again.

Sam: Woody, would you add up these receipts for me, please?
Woody: Sure. There's eight of them.
Sam: Thank you, Woody. That's what I got too.

Carla: Has it ever occurred to you this guy may look like Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy?
Diane: I can tell you right now that the owner of this coat could well be the most attractive man I've ever encountered, whatever he looks like.
Sam: Ooh. Down, girl, down.
Diane: What a person looks like has nothing to do with who that person is. If my face were transposed on another soul, would it matter?
Carla: To the poor sap who got it, it would.

Carla: Two vodka tonics. So where's the stick?
Woody: Well, she and Stuart are on another date. They went to see a play. I think it's a whodunit.
Carla: With him in the audience, it's a what-is-it.
Sam: Hey, hey, come on. Lighten up on him, will you? He turned out to be kind of a nice fella. Gonna have to give Diane credit on this one. Her intuition proved to be right.
Woody: I'm a great believer in intuition. It's like when I first saw you, Sam. Something told me you were super smooth with the ladies. Maybe it was that time you walked out of here with four of them, one on each arm. You know, you always just seem to know the right moves. Sometimes I like to just stand around and watch you operate. It's like going to school.
Sam: Gee, I never really thought of it like that. Well, yes, I have.

Woody: Hey, Miss Chambers? I've been meaning to tell you, I really like your friend Stuart.
Diane: Oh, thank you, Woody.
Woody: Hey, you think you could get him to do that great trick for me?
Diane: What trick?
Woody: The one Sam says he does when he makes the clock stop by looking at it.
Sam: Wasn't that just supposed to be between you, me and the lamppost?
Carla: Well, look at her. It's an easy mistake.

Sam: Hey, will you stop being hard on yourself? I mean, that's my job here. Come on. You had, what, few casual dates with him? What's the big deal?
Diane: Yes, but as often happens in my life, this gentleman is becoming much too serious, much too fast. He's wearing that smitten look I know so well. I've got to do something before it goes any further.
Sam: Uh-huh, I see.
Diane: For the first time in my life I can't bring myself to tell the truth to a man so I need a lie. And God forgive me, I'm coming to you for help.
Sam: Well, I'm flattered. All right, let me... Let me give this a little thought here. All right. All right, I've never passed this one on before, but I think it's-- I think it's the ticket here. It's neat, fast, clean and, best of all, it makes them want to get away from you. Now, here's what you do. You tell him that you have a contagious skin condition and that insanity runs in your family.
Diane: Very sensitive.
Sam: Well, thank you. It's a gift.

Sam: Hey. Will you look at that? One of those new marital aids, huh?
Carla: Okay, Clavin, the science fair is in one week. This is your chance to either gain my respect or lose your tonsils.
Cliff: Hey, well, thanks for the opportunity, Carla. So, Norm, what do you say? You wanna give me a hand here?
Norm: No. I think I'll pass, Dr. Frankenstein.
Sam: Cliff, have one on the house here for your good deed.
Cliff: Oh, thank you, Sammy.
Norm: [grumbles] Oh... What about one for Igor?