Stuart: Diane, I'm sorry. I can't put this off any longer. There's something I have to tell you. Diane, for the first time in my life, I'm thinking of making a permanent commitment with a woman.
Diane: Stuart, I have a contagious skin disease and insanity runs in my family.
Stuart: My God, Diane, I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
Diane: Thank you. I thought you should know.
Stuart: Well, that makes me feel a little selfish, talking about my good news after hearing that.
Diane: Your good news?
Stuart: Diane, what I'm trying to say is there's someone else. She's someone I knew before I met you. I honestly thought it was over between us, but... Well, we spoke earlier today, and we decided to work things through.
Diane: You're telling the truth, aren't you, Stuart? Well, that's the most wonderful thing I ever heard. It's tearing me apart inside. I'm a total wreck.
Stuart: Don't give up hope, Diane. No relationship is guaranteed.
Diane: Except yours. Don't you doubt for a moment. We're talking ironclad here.
Stuart: Well, thank you. By the way, have you seen a doctor about that condition of yours?
Diane: What con--? Oh, yes, yes. I'm seeing a wonderful man. He's almost cleared it up completely. He's about got that insanity thing licked too. He's a skin and brain man. It's a new specialty.
Stuart: Sounds fascinating.

Carla: Okay, Sam, lost and found.
Diane: Give me that. Maybe there's some identification. No wallet. Well, there must be some clue here. You see? Two tickets to the Grand Kabuki.
Sam: So he likes to watch two fat guys with diapers butt heads. What's that tell you?
Diane: That you're an idiot. You're confusing sumo wrestling with classic Japanese theatre.
Sam: Gee, please don't tell the guys.

Carla: Hi.
Stuart: Hi.
Carla: I bet you're the guy without the coat.
Stuart: Yes, I am. Diane?
Carla: You should be so lucky.

Sam: I'm sorry about that clock comment. I made it before I realized what a nice guy he is.
Diane: I'm such a pooh.
Sam: Beg your pardon?
Diane: You heard me. A pooh. After all these years, I have to admit it. I'm all talk.
Sam: Oh, well, of course you are, honey, but we've all gotten used to that.
Diane: Sam, I have spent the week with a person who can converse on a multitude of subjects, who listens when I talk, who treats me with respect. And a person with whom I can think of nothing but, "Why aren't you great-looking?" Or, "Why can't I stop wishing you were great-looking?"
Sam: This is probably not the right time to say I told you so, so if you could just remind me to get to it later.
Diane: Oh, Sam. I'm small and vain and petty.