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‘The Groom Wore Clearasil’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: The Groom Wore Clearasil

404. The Groom Wore Clearasil

Aired October 24, 1985

Carla wants Sam to show her son Anthony what he's missing by falling for one girl. Meanwhile, Cliff finds a potato that looks like Richard Nixon.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Hey, Woody, give me a refill, would you?
Woody: Coming up. You know, Mr. Peterson, you're amazing. How do you keep putting them away?
Norm: Well, it's all done with mirrors, son. I just never look in one.

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Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, everybody, I got a letter from my dog.
Sam: Pretty spiffy handwriting for a dog.
Woody: Well, it's not actually from my dog. My mom writes the letters as if they're from my dog, Truman.
Cliff: Weird beyond imagination, Norm.
Woody: Listen to this: "Dear Woody, Boy, what a great day I had. I pulled all the laundry off the line, chewed up your father's bowling shoes, and grabbed a Yankee pot roast off the table. Yum, yum. " Isn't that cute?
Norm: The mutt eats better than I do.
Woody: "By the way, now that you're not here to keep me in line, your mother's thinking about putting me to sleep. I certainly wouldn't blame her, and I don't want you to either after I'm gone." Sam, cover me. I gotta make a phone call.

Quote from Norm

Sam: What exactly would I have to do?
Carla: Just take him out and show him a great time, you know? A real night on the town. Wild, crazy, borderline illegal.
Sam: I guess I could handle that. Yeah, why not? It's about time the kid learned how much fun it was to play the field.
Carla: Right.
Norm: Hey, wait just a second here. Let's not give marriage a bad rap, huh? It's a fine institution. Matter of fact, go ahead and ask any single man here if he wouldn't gladly trade places with me for a night. Hmm? Anybody? Please. One night. Oh, come on, fellas. I'm offering transportation and a hot meal.

Quote from Woody

Carla: What did you tell my kid, huh?
Sam: Well, basically, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Woody: Well, I'll tell you why. Companionship, warmth on a cold night, someone to share your old age with.
Norm: You think he should marry her?
Woody: I thought we were talking about a cow.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Buckle your seatbelts and get ready for a blast into the unknown. I've got a phenomenon here which, well, I'm sure will inspire the legendary Jack Palance to utter the infamous words, "Believe it or not." Get a load of this.
Sam: What's that?
Norm: Potato, right?
Cliff: Well, it's no ordinary, common, garden-variety russet, Norm. Though, I'm proud to say, I did grow it myself. It's the spitting image of Richard Milhous Nixon. Look. [Norm laughs] What, you find this amusing?
Norm: No. No, I find it historically significant, Cliff.
Cliff: Look, look at the eye. Well, all right, forget about the third one there, but look at those eyes. The ski-jump nose, the jowls, huh? He's even got a little bit of sweat there on the upper lip.
Sam: Come on, man.
Cliff: All right, maybe this will help you out. [as Nixon] I am not a crook.
Sam: Sorry, it still doesn't look like Nixon.
Woody: Sure sounds like him though.

Quote from Woody

Carla: You know who I hold responsible for this? Nick.
Woody: Who's Nick?
Carla: He's Anthony's father. His biological father.
Woody: Wow, a scientist.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, what my boy needs now is just a little adult male companionship to snap him out of this. How about it, Sam?
Sam: Come on, find somebody else. Call Nick.
Carla: Come on. You know Nick's idea of fatherhood: When the egg splits, so does he.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [on the phone] No, no, this is second-term Nixon. Yeah. Yeah, this tater is definitely showing the strain of Watergate here. Not--? Not newsworthy? Oh, well, excuse me for living there, buddy boy. Yeah, I'll call you back when my potato marries a rock star! [hangs up] New York Times, my foot! If the news doesn't come out of Moscow, they're not interested.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Okay. All right, everybody. Open your eyes. [hums "Hail to the Chief"] What's--? What's so funny?
Woody: A blue suit with a brown tie?
Cliff: Well, hey, I did the best I could, you know. It's not easy coming up with a Ken doll on short notice. I wonder if you guys realize how limited his wardrobe is. Now, Barbie's is much more extensive. She's got her own car, little high heels.
Norm: Cliff. Listen to me, Cliff. You're my best friend, okay? If the situation were reversed, I'd want you to say this to me. You've gone completely off the deep end. You've always been kind of a weird guy, but this is just a little bit too much. I want you to look what you've done and think about this, Cliff. You've knocked the head off a doll and put a potato in its place. And you actually want people to, like, come and know this.
Cliff: Well, yeah, I guess you're right, Normie. Yeah. Been taking it a little bit too seriously. I've been under some strain lately and It's okay, it's okay. Thanks. You know, thanks for pulling in those reins and saying, "Whoa, Paint, you're working up a froth."

Quote from Carla

Sam: So Anthony has got himself a girlfriend, huh?
Carla: Oh, it's sickening, Sam. Everyday it's, "Annie this. Annie that." Walks around the apartment all moony-eyed. I think my kid's turned into a weenie.
Cliff: Well, don't be too hard on the lad, Carla. You know, men will do some pretty strange things to have a woman by their side.
Carla: In your case, inflate one.

Quote from Diane

Diane: High marks? What exactly did you mean by that?
Professor Moffat: Well, among other things, that you have an unbridled enthusiasm.
Diane: Ah. I see. Goodbye. [exits and immediately returns] I'm a little unclear on "enthusiasm."
Professor Moffat: Well, enthusiasm: That you don't mind taking on extra duties and working overtime, if necessary.
Diane: Of course that's what he meant. What else could he mean? Goodbye. [exits and returns] I will not sleep with you!
Professor Moffat: What?
Diane: Oh, my God, I can't believe I said that.
Professor Moffat: I think that concludes our interview.
Diane: Dr. Moffat, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't for a moment mean to imply that you want to have sex with me. I'm sure that's the farthest thing from your mind. Not that you don't have a healthy interest in sex. I'm sure you think about it all the time. Well, not all the time. You're not obsessed. But when it comes to sex, I'm sure you could hold your own with a man half your age. That's not to say that you like young men. Or any men. Not that any man wouldn't be happy to have you. As would any woman. Except me. Although, I could be. But I'm not. But that's not saying that I couldn't be. This just isn't the time or the place or the circumstance. But by that, I'm certainly not saying that you're flabby. Why did I say that? This isn't going well, is it?

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Hey, Carla, I got a potato here looks just like Richard Nixon.
Carla: Big deal. Find one that doesn't, then get back to me.

Quote from Carla

Sam: We were really hopping around here a couple hours ago, you know.
Carla: So why didn't you call me sooner?
Sam: I tried to, but your phone was busy.
Carla: Oh, sorry. My oldest must have been talking to his girlfriend. Where's Diane anyway?
Sam: Oh, I gave her the night off. She's trying to interview for a TA job down at the college.
Carla: She'll never get it. She's a big A with no Ts.

Quote from Norm

Anthony: I'll tell you, just between you and me... I mean, you don't tell my ma. Me and Annie, we're talking about getting married.
Sam: What? You get her pregnant?
Anthony: Oh, she ain't pregnant! We think that sex before marriage is a sin.
Norm: Afterwards, it's just one more damn thing to take your pants off for, you know?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Anthony, you don't know what you're doing. I mean, look at me, will you? I'm single. I've got a great life going here. Look, most guys go through their entire life with only one woman.
Anthony: Yeah.
Sam: I got three under Q.
Anthony: This whole book is women?
Sam: This book and my life. Tell you what pick a name, any name. I'm gonna show you what a no-strings good time I got at my fingertips here. Go ahead. Any name.
Anthony: Beth Hollister.
Sam: Beth Hollister. All right. Very good choice. It's a toll call, but it's worth it. [on the phone] Hey, Beth? Hi, it's Sam Malone. Yeah. Yeah, well, I know it's been a long time. That's why I'm calling. I thought maybe we'd get together tonight. Oh, no. Well, is it something you can put off until later? No, no, no. No, I wouldn't want you to miss your first Weight Watchers meeting. Uh, tomorrow? Me? Well God, Beth, I think my appendix just burst. Will you excuse me? [hangs up] Being single means you gotta think fast on your feet.

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