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My Son, the Father

‘My Son, the Father’

Season 10, Episode 15 -  Aired January 16, 1992

When Carla's son Gino announces he is becoming a priest, she feels free to torment people without worring about God's wrath. Meanwhile, Cliff tries his hand at stand-up comedy.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know that if you have a kid who's a priest or a nun, you automatically get into Heaven. No questions asked.
Paul: Can I get a beer, Carla?
Carla: Ah. Paul, Paul... There! [cuts Paul's suspenders] [laughs] Isn't this great? Right now, God is shrugging and saying, "What can I do?"

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Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Oh, hey, Cliff. How'd it go at the club?
Cliff: Daffynition. Cliff Clavin: Stand-up comic. [Lilith laughs] It's not a joke, Lilith. That was my pain.
Lilith: [laughs] Oh, the topper. Excuse me, I have to go compose myself.
Rebecca: Well, Cliff, I guess you had to learn the hard way. But you know, maybe stand-up comedy is just something you don't have a knack for.
Cliff: Yeah. I don't know. I can't figure out what went wrong. I mean, the material was gangbusters. I wrote it myself. Must have been the audience. What's up with that? [chuckling] See? I still got it.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Well, congratulations, Gino. I'm happy for you.
Norm: Happy for him? That's not enough, Sam. This calls for a beer.
Sam: Come on, the guy's underage, Norm.
Norm: Oh, it's not for him. Can't I be happy for the lad?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Becs, what you doing?
Rebecca: Well, I'm trying to get these receipts ready for income tax time. Man, I wish you people would just write the dates on these things. Half of them I had to cross-reference against the register tape. It took me half the night to get these organized.
Carla: Gee, up all night. You could catch a chill. Here, let me warm you up. [blows hairdryer]
Rebecca: No! Don't! Stop it! You are evil!
Carla: That's right, all day long. And it doesn't matter, because my son is good, and I've got myself a get-out-of-Hell-free card.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Oh, oh, Becs, there you are. They just called for you. Apparently, there's been a horrible fire at your apartment.
Rebecca: Oh, right, Carla, you've been trying to get to me all day long. Just knock it off. It's not even funny anymore.
Carla: I'm being totally serious. I know this is the worst time for you to hear this kind of news from me. I know you don't believe me, but, really, I'm telling the truth. I wouldn't joke about something like that.
Rebecca: You're serious about this, aren't you?
Carla: Yeah, I am, Becs. I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Oh, my God! Everything I own. It's gone! Oh, dear! Woody, cover for me, please. I got to go out.
Woody: [crying] I'm too upset, Miss Howe. I just found out my whole apartment building burned down. [Carla laughs maniacally]
Rebecca: This is sick!
Carla: Yeah, but it's funny.
Rebecca: Carla, you have, you have to stop this now.
Carla: Or what? God'll smite me with his sword? He gets it halfway out, an angel taps him on his shoulder and says, "Hold it, her kid's a priest." God just stands there fuming.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Sam?
Sam: Stay for this. This should be fun. Yes, John?
John: Let's get down to brass tacks, Sam. Absurd as it may sound, you and your scary spider...
Sam: That's a crab. Crab.
John: Forgive me. You and your scary crab are driving my customers away, so let's settle this right now. I'll pay for your dental bill and add, say, uh, $500 in cash.
Sam: It's a deal. [they shake hands]
[John starts coughing after he eats a pretzel from the ber]
Sam: You all right, man?
John: There's a rock in your pretzel dish, Sam. That is deliberate negligence.
Sam: Oh, it is not! Come on, man, you put that there. I- Wha-
John: [takes a picture of Sam holding the pretzels and the rock] A picture is worth a thousand words, Sam.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Now, wait a minute. The lunch special upstairs at Melville's today is crab salad.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: Yeah. It's delicious. If you ask Mr. Hill really, really nice, he'll give you your pick of the leftovers.
Norm: Leftovers? Woody, why don't you just go out back and crawl through the Dumpster, huh?
Woody: What for? All he throws back there is the food that clogs up his drain. You know, the, the greasy fried stuff.
[Norm and Paul look at each other]
Norm: Don't even think about it.
Paul: You were thinking the same thing.
Norm: Yeah, but not as long as you.
Paul: I have a problem, don't l?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I got an impersonation for you. An impression, ready? [speaks normally] I am not a crook. [Lilith chuckles]
Norm: Well, you guys know me. Home to see Vera.
Paul: I want to go, too, Norm. l, I heard so many good things.
Frasier: Oh, please don't leave me.
Cliff: Yeah, you know, I was, uh, watching this commercial on TV with the Ginsu knives. Hey, what's up with that?
Lilith: [chuckles] I hate that commercial. This is good stuff.
Frasier: You know, she can also hear a dog-whistle.

Quote from Lilith

Phil: Cold outside, huh?
Lilith: Yes.
Phil: And we got a slush thing going.
Lilith: So it seems.
Phil: Beer nut?
Lilith: No, thank you.
Phil: Have you ever been with an older man?
Lilith: Woody, I'm ready to settle up.
Phil: I'm not looking for commitment. [to a woman who comes and sits next to him] Cold outside, huh?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Paul, what time you got?
Paul: 10:36.
Norm: All right, lunchtime. Wood let's order, please.
Woody: Oh, okay, what will you guys have? Chinese, subs, cheese steak, Mexican?
Norm: Mmm, sounds good.
Paul: Mm-hmm.

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