Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes, huh?

Phyllis: Oh, Norm, where did we go wrong?
Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering, "Why did she lose interest in me?"

Diane: "Love bunny"?
Sam: What's wrong with that?
Diane: How dare you callously and cruelly lump me in with the other conglomeration of Twinkies that constitutes your sexual past.
Sam: There's just no pleasing that woman.

Sam: Hey. Did you enjoy your dinner? [Diane slams her bag down without addressing Sam] Hey. Hey, listen. Excuse me, miss? Are you or are you not speaking to me?
Diane: Never ever again. How could you? After all we've been through. What we had together was real and special, and now you've cheapened it for all eternity by broadcasting to the entire Boston metropolitan area that I was nothing but an odalisque in your seraglio.
Sam: If that's your idea of the silent treatment, it needs a little work. Oh, come on... All right, all right, whatever it is I said, and whatever the hell it was that you just said, what if--? What if I go back on the air there and apologize? Will that fix things up?
Diane: Do whatever you want. I couldn't care less. Keep it short and simple. Something dignified.
Sam: No sweat.
Diane: I'll write the script for you.

Dave Richards: [on radio] Okay, Sam Malone is back on the show with a prepared statement that he's gonna read. Go ahead, Sammy.
Sam: [on radio] Ladies and gentlemen, a week ago on this program, l, Sam Malone, committed a faux pas of the highest magnitude. I insensitively included a wonderful woman in a category in which she... [paper rustles] certainly did not merit inclusion. I apologize to her and indeed to women everywhere, both living and dead, whose sensibilities may have been offended.
Dave Richards: Yeah, yeah, well, whatever peels your potatoes, Sam.

Sam: Hey, guess who's gonna interview me on the radio tonight?
Diane: Someone with a taste for adventure.
Sam: Dave Richards, my old buddy.
Cliff: Hey.
Diane: And a 2-by-4 for a brain.
I need Dewar's rocks, please.
Sam: What's your big problem with Dave? I mean, ever since he came in this place, you've been badmouthing the guy.
Diane: For some strange reason, I find it hard to respect a man with the bumper sticker "Honk if you're horny."

Norm: Well, Vera and I went out dancing with the Henshaws. The next-door neighbours.
Cliff: Oh, what, again?
Carla: Normie, dancing?
Norm: Yeah.
Carla: I didn't think you liked walking.
Norm: You kidding? I love dancing. I could watch for hours.
Sam: You don't dance yourself?
Norm: Vera's the dancer in our family. She even has dancer's buns, Sammy. Too bad they're on her calves, though. You know, it's kind of...

Woody: [on the phone] I can't believe I'm talking to a real radio station. Hey, hey, listen, while I've got you, could you please play "Roxanne" and dedicate it to my girl? No, no, her name's Beth. But I don't think there's a song called "Beth." Oh, hi, Sam. Oh, right, I'll hang up. Goodbye. Well, it's not really goodbye because we're not actually... [chuckles] Right now? Yes, okay.

Cliff: So, what's up, buddy?
Norm: It's probably nothing, I hope.
Cliff: Oh, come on, Norm. Fill us in, will you? I mean, we're-- We're your friends here. We're sensitive and caring, and our only concern is your support.
Diane: You know that, Norman.
Norm: Well, all right, how much did you overhear so far?
Cliff: Well, everything but the location where they're satisfying their pagan lust.

Norm: What happened?
Phyllis: Ron's not home.
Cliff: Hire a private dick, Norm.
Carla: Hey, my cousin Santo's a gumshoe, and a great one.
Norm: Great, great.
Carla: He's professional, thorough and a master of disguise.
Norm: I'm sure he is.
Carla: Not just as people either, but things. Furniture. I mean, he could be here right now.